My 50 year-old client said she felt “less than” for as long as she can remember. She berated herself for being overweight, for having curly hair, for not getting better grades in school. She constantly compared herself to her beautiful, smart funny cousin. If only she could be more like her, she would finally feel good about herself.
Why are we so critical of ourselves? Why do we compare ourselves to others when all it does is make us feel worse about ourselves, lead to depression, stress and anxiety? It makes no sense, until we take in account the survival agenda that is embedded in us all.
Homo sapiens are pack animals. The reason we’ve outlasted other predators over the past few thousand years is that we hunt, eat, sleep and travel together in groups. Every one of us has a powerful, unconscious need to be respected, to be loved and to belong. That need is enforced by regions of our brain that are primal and simple— hard-wired to be beyond our direct control. This “monkey mind” is what keeps us connected to each other, keeping us in line, so we don’t get kicked out of our tribe.
The monkey mind is highly sensitive to external criticism, whether it is from our parents, teachers or peers. When we are
criticized or disrespected, it alerts us with negative emotion and sensations like shame and anxiety. To avoid this painful experience in the future, we learn to anticipate and internalize criticism. When we consciously believe that the only way we can stay safe in this world is with the approval of others, we’ve been hijacked by the monkey. This is what leads to negative self-talk and unnecessary suffering.
From Suffering To Self-Acceptance
The good news is that we can free ourselves from this suffering. Here are two basic steps to turn negative self-talk into positive encouragement.
- Don’t accept negative self-talk at face value. When you hear it in your head, imagine it as the chatter of a scared little monkey that is afraid of getting kicked out of the tribe. Recognizing where these thoughts come does not stop them, but it helps us to gain a little distance from them by shifting our perspective.
- Accept yourself at face value instead. That’s right, give yourself a break. Instead of kicking yourself in the pants for what you aren’t, try patting yourself on the back for what you already are. Practicing self-acceptance is how we create lasting feelings of being respected, loved and belonging.
Self-Acceptance Exercise: Put five rubber bands on your left wrist each morning. Give yourself five encouraging statements throughout the day, each time transferring the rubber band from left to right wrist. The visual and tactile elements of this exercise can help you make self-acceptance a habit, and begin to free you from negative self-talk.
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