I was on a beautiful walk on a lovely fall afternoon. I felt happy, my senses being fed by the beauty around me, the black birds swooping in and out of the trees, the lush green grass contrasting with the bare brown branches, the smell of the earth, the sound of the wind whipping at the last remaining leaves. I was open, completely surrendered to my surroundings.

Then I reached the parking lot and saw my car trunk was open. I was startled by the sight, it wasn’t right. When I got closer I saw my window on the driver’s side was smashed, glass scattered on the seat and the ground next to the car. Valuables that were in the trunk were gone. My chest tightened. My heart pounded. I felt a sinking feeling. It was as if a dark cloud had come over the scene, and the day seemed dimmer and ominous.

When I got home I spent an hour cleaning up the glass in the car. Then there was calling the glass repair shop, filing a police report and an insurance claim—more to-do’s in my busy life. But the worst part was the new mistrust I felt every time I drove by that parking lot. My beautiful sanctuary did not feel so safe anymore.

When bad things happen, our natural tendency is to constrict and close down. This is a protective impulse triggered by our survival-oriented monkey mind, which is only doing its job of course, keeping us safe. But while safety is our most fundamental value, and we are wise to take reasonable precautions, staying safe is not our only value. For myself, being open to the natural beauty in the world is important. Avoiding that parking lot and the respite that my nature walk provided would be a big price to pay for a small margin of safety.

Bad things happen all the time, every day. They can be little, like being disappointed by someone, spilling your coffee on yourself, or getting caught in traffic and arriving late to an appointment. They can also be big, like suffering an injury or losing a job. When we react to any bad thing that happens to us by constricting, defending and protecting—as we are prone to do— we can’t be open to the beauty and goodness in life, which are what heal and nurture us.

How do we get back to open when we feel closed down? Here are 3 steps:

1. Identify the monkey mindset that would lead to constriction and contrast it with an expansive mindset. Here is mine for this situation.

2. Expose yourself to the triggering situation. For me this meant, instead of avoiding the scene of the break-in, to go there, park my car and go for a walk. The reasonable precaution I took was to not leave anything of value in the car.
3. Welcome the anxiety and discomfort. For me this meant expecting and accepting the anxiety I felt when I parked and walked away from the car. I even took an opening physical stance; instead of crossing my hands in front of my chest and looking back over my shoulder at my car, I opened my arms and breathed into my anxiety. This welcoming negative emotion step is essential. In order to heal from the pain of bad things happening, we must metabolize the emotion.

Whether you are dealing with a little bad thing happening like my car break-in, or a bigger trauma that has closed you down, the way to opening up is the same. In many cases, all three of these steps will need to be repeated numerous times before the nervous system calms down, so don’t give up. When we consistently choose an expansive mindset, expose ourselves to what triggers us, and welcome what we’re feeling, healing happens. In time you’ll be able once again to relax and enjoy the beauty in the world!