When Caring Less Means Loving More

Oct 1, 2018 | Anxiety, Children

It doesn’t sound right, does it? We’re supposed to care about the people we love; the more the better. Caring too much, however, can actually get in the way of loving, especially when it comes to my children!  

Right now, all three of my 20-somethings have recently entered new relationships, all begun on online dating apps like Tinder, something that feels foreign and a little scary to me. Naturally, I am curious and interested in getting to know my kids’ new love interests. As I listen and ask questions, I feel open-hearted and happy and excited for them. But I also feel fear. Will this relationship bring them joy or sorrow? Will it be long-term or temporary? My kids are all at the age that they are thinking about becoming more seriously committed. What are the mental health, family and dating histories of these potential new members of our family? Acting on these fears is likely to undermine our relationships.

I learned about caring less from my mother, who raised me with what one might call a benign neglect. I never had the sense that my mom worried much about me growing up. While she was always interested in my life, she was interested in herself as well. She seemed to trust that whatever it was I needed to learn, I was capable of figuring it out without her help. This gave me a sense of independence and self-confidence. Because of this I always felt I could go to her with both the good, bad and ugly in my life. She always listened with compassion, and rarely any judgement.

My mother wasn’t perfect, but her example taught me that the greatest gift I can give me kids is to trust them, that whatever they need to do in life, they will be able to do. From very early on, when they were still young children, I started to practice caring less and loving more. As with every other family, there were plenty of times when I felt the urge to take over. One of them developed OCD at the age of 8, another social anxiety at 13, another substance abuse in adolescence. In each of those situations, I didn’t know how things would turn out. I could give my children support and resources, but I had to remind myself that each child had a personal trajectory, with challenges they would need to master themselves.

As my fears arose, rather than resisting them, I acclimated myself to them by imagining the worst case scenerios—that they might end up with chronic mental health issues, isolated, depressed, even homeless. However painful it was, I knew that ultimately I did not have control of their lives or how things would turn out. With practice, I became more acclimated to my fear about my children’s futures, allowing me to be more present for them when they share their lives with me. Listening to them talk about their new love interests, when I feel that pull of attaching to the outcome, I remind myself again that
I can’t control their futures, and I don’t need to try. All I need to do is be supportive, open-hearted, and genuinely trust that my children will make the best of their lives. That trust, I have found, is the lifeblood of my relationship with my children. By caring a little less, I can love a little more. And the more I love, the more love I get back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to School

Sep 3, 2018 | Anxiety

Being a teenager is hard, and, for some, high school can feel like a psychological war zone. Demands to perform academically and on the field, complex social relationships, first-time romances, and the ever-growing list of extracurricular activities young people are supposed to engage in combined with the raging emotions most teenagers experience can overcome even the most well-balanced young person leading to anxiety, depression, and more.

I know what it is like as a parent to have a teen with anxiety.  When my beautiful, talented daughter entered middle school 13 years ago she developed severe social anxiety.  As a therapist, I knew that adolescence is the age of onset for many types of anxiety and that there were powerful tools that could help her.  I wanted her to know she was not alone and looked for a book on teen social anxiety.  There were none!  This is what led me to write my first book, The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens.  With the right tools, this painful time can be a time of growth.  Here is Rose’s story in her own words.

My publisher, New Harbinger Publications, has created this free guide, teens will learn six key research-based psychological skills that will help teens:

  • Let go of anxiety and self-doubt
  • Feel calm in the face of everyday problems
  • Develop a positive self-image
  • Calm intense emotions (including anger)
  • Resolve conflicts and get along with others
  • Deal with the daily drama without getting wrapped up in it

Learning these skills and practicing them in their daily lives will not only help teens better navigate the often-treacherous terrain of high school but will also provide them practical tools they can use throughout their lives. You can download the free guide here: https://www.newharbinger.com/teen-skills

 

 

 

 

 

Oh This Dreadful Feeling!

Aug 1, 2018 | Anxiety

A recently retired professional came into treatment to get rid of this feeling of dread that he felt in the pit of his stomach every morning that sometimes lingered throughout the day. “I never felt this way when I had a job to go to,” he told me. He couldn’t point to what was wrong, the feeling was not linked to a specific thought or worry. It just lay in wait for him every morning. His psychiatrist prescribed medication to take as needed, so sometimes he took a pill and went back to bed, hoping to sleep it off. What was happening and why?
 
If you suspect the monkey mind at work, you’re correct! While it is true that feelings of anxiety are usually accompanied by a thought, this is not always the case.  The monkey mind can sound the alarm for no apparent reason.  Woo-woo-woo! Something is wrong! Not sure what, but it’s not good, so do something!
 
Long-term pain
 
Even when we know that we are not in imminent threat, feelings of anxiety and dread are so uncomfortable that we want to get rid of them. We might take a pill, go to sleep or distract ourselves by watching TV. While it is totally understandable that we try to avoid or distract ourselves from the feeling, this guarantees us more feelings of anxiety and dread in the long run. Our monkey mind is like a child. When it throws a fit we’d best not react to it. Any attention we give to a tantrum acts a reward.
 
By taking a pill or returning to bed, my client was answering the monkey’s alarm, confirming that something was indeed wrong. Even if he were able to quell the dread that day, he had pre-ordered another serving of dread for delivery the next morning. Avoidance and distraction give us short term gain but long-term pain.
 
Long-term gain
 
The trick to easing the grip negative feelings have on us is to not resist or avoid them, and simply allow them to be here. Like other emotions and physical sensations, they don’t last. And just like a tantruming child, when ignored, the monkey mind gets tired and moves on to something else. And when we don’t react, it gets the message. I can handle this. In my client’s case, instead of resisting this feeling, I taught him to welcome it, even ask for more at times.  After a few weeks of regular practice, the feelings began to weaken.   
 
This welcoming practice recording is designed to help you to practice welcoming, instead of resisting these feelings.  Like anything else, the more you practice, the better you will become at this, and these dreadful feelings will loose their grip on you.  
 

 

 

 

Do You Suffer from Negative Self-Talk?

Jul 2, 2018 | Anxiety

My 50 year-old client said she felt “less than” for as long as she can remember.  She berated herself for being overweight, for having curly hair, for not getting better grades in school. She constantly compared herself to her beautiful, smart funny cousin.  If only she could be more like her, she would finally feel good about herself. 

Why are we so critical of ourselves? Why do we compare ourselves to others when all it does is make us feel worse about ourselves, lead to depression, stress and anxiety? It makes no sense, until we take in account the survival agenda that is embedded in us all.

Homo sapiens are pack animals. The reason we’ve outlasted other predators over the past few thousand years is that we hunt, eat, sleep and travel together in groups. Every one of us has a powerful, unconscious need to be respected, to be loved and to belong. That need is enforced by regions of our brain that are primal and simple— hard-wired to be beyond our direct control. This “monkey mind” is what keeps us connected to each other, keeping us in line, so we don’t get kicked out of our tribe.  

The monkey mind is highly sensitive to external criticism, whether it is from our parents, teachers or peers. When we are 

criticized or disrespected, it alerts us with negative emotion and sensations like shame and anxiety.  To avoid this painful experience in the future, we learn to anticipate and internalize criticism. When we consciously believe that the only way we can stay safe in this world is with the approval of others, we’ve been hijacked by the monkey. This is what leads to negative self-talk and unnecessary suffering.

 

From Suffering To Self-Acceptance

The good news is that we can free ourselves from this suffering. Here are two basic steps to turn negative self-talk into positive encouragement.

  • Don’t accept negative self-talk at face value. When you hear it in your head, imagine it as the chatter of a scared little monkey that is afraid of getting kicked out of the tribe. Recognizing where these thoughts come does not stop them, but it helps us to gain a little distance from them by shifting our perspective.
  • Accept yourself at face value instead. That’s right, give yourself a break. Instead of kicking yourself in the pants for what you aren’t, try patting yourself on the back for what you already are. Practicing self-acceptance is how we create lasting feelings of being respected, loved and belonging.

 

 

Self-Acceptance Exercise: Put five rubber bands on your left wrist each morning. Give yourself five encouraging statements throughout the day, each time transferring the rubber band from left to right wrist. The visual and tactile elements of this exercise can help you make self-acceptance a habit, and begin to free you from negative self-talk. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Simple Steps That Will Help You Make a Decision, Big or Small

Jun 1, 2018 | Anxiety, Overwhelm, Perfectionism

Do you, or someone you know, have trouble making decisions?  It could be as small as deciding what to wear in the morning, or big, like whether to buy a house or continue to rent.  You may spend countless hours going through pros and cons in your mind, asking others for advice, or simply putting off thinking about it.

Difficulty making decisions is associated with two of the three Monkey Mindsets, intolerance of uncertainty, (thinking you need to be 100% certain of your decision), and perfectionism, (the belief that making the wrong decision would be catastrophic).  Both of these mindsets are impossible standards to meet and create unnecessary agony, anxiety and avoidance when making decisions. 

By contrast, those who have an easy time deciding can tolerate the uncertainty and are comfortable with less-than-perfect outcomes. You can learn to do this. Here are three simple steps to follow when you are stuck with a difficult decision.

  • Make a pros and cons list on a piece of paper and set a timer for 5-15 minutes. By using a timer, you are restricting the endless looping of pros and cons that you have likely been doing in your head.
  • When the timer goes off, set it again for five minutes, the maximum amount of time you have to make the decision. Spending more than five minutes means you are falling back into the trap of attempting to be certain that you are making the right decision.
  • If you have not made a decision when the 5-minute timer goes off, flip a coin. Yes, I am 100% serious! Flip a coin and whatever it says, stick with this as your decision.  Maybe it sounds crazy to do this, but it is not as crazy as avoiding making a decision because you are operating out of two flawed monkey mindsets.

Once your decision is made, you are no longer stuck, and you can move forward. If your decision brings the results you hoped for, good. If the decision did not work out, also good!  You’ll have an opportunity to practice coping with the outcome. Flexibility and resilience are two of the most important commodities in life!

 

 

Hardly Sleeping

Feb 1, 2018 | Anxiety

Hardly Sleeping

You may remember me sharing a while back that my sleep was disrupted after the Santa Rosa fires, just as it was for many people in our county. But insomnia strikes us not only in times of crisis and transition. 40% of adults report it can happen anytime in any given year.  As a fragile sleeper, I have found cognitive behavioral therapy tools very effective and I teach them to my clients on a regular basis. Here are a few of them to help you when you feel like you’re hardly sleeping.

  • If you are used to getting 7.5 hours like me, laying awake for a couple hours can easily spark panic about the next day’s obligations. How will I get things done if I’m exhausted?! But research tells us that we don’t need to get optimal sleep every night to function. Our core sleep requirement averages 5.5 hours. If you are struggling with insomnia, a good goal is to get core sleep.
  • When we fall behind on sleep it is natural to try to make up for it the next day. We go to bed earlier, or allow ourselves to sleep in. This pushes our body clock back and forth between virtual time zones, creating the equivalent of jet lag. Keep the same bedtime and wake up time, regardless of how well you slept the night before.
  • With five different sleep cycles that we repeat 3-5 times a night, it is impossible to judge how much sleep we are getting. We spend over half the night in stage 1 and 2 sleep, which are so light that we may think we were awake. Researchers tell us that we underestimate the amount of sleep we are get each night by 1.5 hours. When not sleeping well, don’t catastrophize. You are getting more sleep than you think.

The bottom line is that we cannot guarantee ourselves optimal sleep any more than we can guarantee ourselves pleasant dreams. What we can do is stick to our normal schedule, and remind ourselves that at least for the short run, we do not need optimal sleep to survive.

Here are some additional resources:

My Podcast on Dream Talk Radio
Say Goodnight To Insomnia
The Insomnia Workbook

 

 

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