Oct 10, 2017 | Anxiety
The holidays are just around the corner. How can we prepare in a way that will decrease your stress, not add to it?
I remember one year when my children were young, I got up at 4am to go to a Black Friday sale. I stood in line for hours and ended up buying toys I never would have bought otherwise. I felt I would be missing out on a deal if I didn’t. And after all, the more gifts under the tree, the merrier my family would be, right?
For many of us, rather than holidays being a time of fun, connection and spirituality, they are a time of stress, anxiety and depression. As I wrote in Don’t Feed The Monkey Mind, there are two core fears or primordial threats we all share in common. The first is loss of life or safety and security in the form of finances, food and shelter. Around the holidays especially, we feel fearful of not having enough, whether it is money for gifts, a trip, or holiday decorations.
Our number two core fear is the loss of social status, belonging and respect from others. What better time of year than this to compare ourselves to others who may have more money, better gifts, more family connections, even cuter holiday cookies!
When our core fears are activated, we feel anxious, jealous, inadequate. These feelings are not comfortable, and we want to get rid of them so we try harder to accumulate and do more. Our commercial culture goads us on, reinforcing the monkey mindset that to be more secure, connected and happy, we must act, leading to an endless cycle of stress, frantic activity and more stress. This is what I call “feeding the monkey”.
Instead of letting the monkey mind lead us forward into the holidays, why not use this season as an opportunity to practice our true personal values? Which of these values are ones that are important to you around the holidays?
LOVE FUN HUMOR FLEXIBILITY CONNECTION AUTHENTICITY ACCEPTANCE
COMPASSION PEACE PRESENCE GROWTH RESILIENCE SPIRITUALITY KINDNESS
We can plan the holidays in a way that honors the values that are truly important to us, not the fearful monkey mindset our culture encourages. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, working harder and buying more, the holidays can be a time to break from routine, to reflect and to be present with those we care about, including ourselves.
Sep 5, 2017 | Anxiety
Do You Feel Guilty When You Take Care of Yourself?
Nancy, my 38-year-old client, is a caring, sensitive person who has been working on setting limits with others and taking care of herself. The therapy homework she’d committed to during our previous session was to do something by herself, for herself over the weekend, and she had chosen to take a drive to the beach solo. As our session began Nancy said, “Well, I did my homework…kind of.” She told me how when she let her husband know her plan he got upset, saying that he’d been looking forward to spending time with her that day. After some half-hearted resistance, Nancy gave in and the duo took a drive to the beach, even though it wasn’t what Nancy intended or wanted to do.
During our session Nancy expressed anger at her husband for not being more supportive of her, as well as anger at herself for going along with something that she did not want to do. She knew this fit a pattern of not standing up for herself with her husband as well as others.
Can you relate to this situation? I know I can. I remember as a teen having a terrible time telling a boy that I did not want to go out with him because I was afraid of hurting his feelings. As an adult, I have often over committed myself because I don’t want to let people down. And in my relationships, I can be so hypersensitive to other people’s feelings that it can be a difficult to say what I want. Why is it so challenging for us to set limits, give opinions, and express ourselves honestly, and so much easier to respond to what others want from us?
Being responsible for others’ needs is an adaptive behavior, part of the social glue that kept our ancestors acting together as a tribe. Shared responsibility is what we do to survive, and when we all share within the limits of healthy personal boundaries, it works. But some of us take too much responsibility for other people’s feelings, and not enough responsibility for ourselves.
When I asked Nancy how responsible she felt for disappointing her husband when she said she wanted to go to the beach alone, she said 100%. After all, she explained, he would not have been upset at all if she had suggested they go together, so it was clearly her fault. This is a common misconception, that if we do something that triggers someone else—brings up bad feelings for them—then we are in the wrong. To help Nancy see this differently we made a Responsibility Pie.
I asked her to make a list of all the other reasons that might have contributed to her husband being upset that did not have to do directly with her. We illustrated each reason as a piece of a pie that represented her husband’s feelings, giving each a percentage of how much it might have contributed to his disappointment. Here is what we came up with:
- He had a stressful week at work and was feeling depressed. 25%
- He does not like to be alone. 50%
- He does not have interests or hobbies that occupy him. 20%
All together these reasons, which her husband was certainly responsible for, equaled 95% of the pie, but we still hadn’t put in the part that Nancy was supposedly responsible for! Nancy could plainly see that she was not 100% responsible for her husband’s being upset.
Next time you find yourself feeling guilty about someone else’s pain, try the Responsibility Pie exercise. It’s a great tool that can help give us perspective, and the courage to take responsibility for what we are most responsible for, ourselves!
Aug 1, 2017 | Anxiety, Overwhelm
I am working with a client who came in complaining about difficulty deciding things. Whether choosing a career path or just buying a pair of shoes, unless she was 100% certain she was making the right decision, she delayed, conducting endless research, revisiting her pros and cons list, seeking reassurance from others, and changing her mind repeatedly. I recognized these behaviors right away as safety strategies. As long as she employed them, she was safe from the threat of deciding something she was uncertain about.
Using safety strategies to avoid uncertainty fuels a cycle of anxiety that tends to get worse over time. Whenever a decision is delayed due to uncertainty we reinforce the mindset that certainty is indeed possible, training the brain to categorize future decision-making situations as threats to our safety. Over time, we have less and less tolerance for uncertainty, and higher levels of anxiety when the need to make a decision arises. That’s why I call these strategies feeding the monkey mind.
In order to interrupt this cycle my client would have to begin to think more expansively around decisions, accepting the inherent uncertainty of life. Together we brainstormed for an alternative belief to counter her need-to-be-certain mindset. Here is what we came up with:
| Monkey Mind-set |
Expansive Mind-set |
| I must be certain that I am making the right decision or else I will be miserable forever.
|
It is more important to practice flexibility and learn to cope with whatever decision I make than to be certain of my decision.
|
Of course, her new belief wouldn’t last long if she kept up her safety behaviors. Together we made a list of new behaviors that would give her the opportunity to practice tolerating uncertainty.
| Safety Strategies |
Expansive Strategies |
| Research options endlessly
Constantly seek reassurance
Repeatedly change my mind |
Restrict time weighing pros/cons
Refrain from asking others’ opinions
Make a decision and stick with it |
Over time, using expansive behaviors will increase our tolerance of uncertainty and create less anxiety when making choices. And as a bonus, expansive strategies give us more resilience when a decision doesn’t work out well.
To help you identify your own intolerance of uncertainty you can download this quiz. To help you recognize your beliefs—and develop new healthier ones—you can download the Intolerance of Uncertainty Mind-set Chart from Don’t Feed The Monkey Mind.
#MonkeyMind #AnxietyAuthor #AnxietyCBT
Jul 6, 2017 | Anxiety
I was recently asked to do a presentation during my lunch break to a group of mental health professionals. I like to take my lunch breaks to eat, rest, maybe enjoy a cup of coffee. But I said “yes”. Afterwards I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. Why did I do that?
Those of us who have a hard time saying “no” are usually nice, responsible people who care about the feelings of others and want to do the right thing. But is our reluctance to say “no” always based on compassion and consideration?. If you are someone who has a problem saying “no” it may be based more in fear than compassion. I was afraid that turning my associates down might disappoint them, and that this disappointment might lead to rejection of some kind. The “monkey mind” part of my brain that is constantly on the lookout for my safety was overestimating the threat. If you disappoint others, they might not like you as much or will possibly reject you. Saying “no” could get me kicked out of the tribe!
To avoid the potential loss of love and belonging, many of us go about our lives anticipating—and acting to prevent—other people’s feelings of disappointment. When presented with any request or obligation, our default response is “yes”. This over-responsible mindset has serious consequences. Putting others’ needs before our own leads to stress and burnout. Watching others fail to do their fair share of the work, and feeling compelled to volunteer to fill the void leads to resentment and self-pity. If you don’t stand up for yourself, who will?
If you are ready to make a change and start to say “no” when you need to, great! I have 8 simple steps to help you get there.
Step 1: Think up a situation that you need practice saying “no” to. Don’t pick a situation that’s too difficult. For example, I had a client whose work, school, and family responsibilities were getting in the way of her personal self-care, like going to the gym and reading. She decided that to stop agreeing to join committees at her children’s school would be a better place to begin her saying “no” practice than to stop volunteering to help solve the various problems of her extended family.
Step 2: Identify the values you would be cultivating by saying “no”. Remember that safety and security are overvalued by the monkey mind, and that this is why you have been saying “yes” so often. My client came up with the following values: health, courage, fun/pleasure, responsibility (to herself), and compassion (for herself). For a list of values click here.
Step 3: Identify the monkey mindset that is getting activated. This is what my client came up with: I am responsible for other peoples’ feelings. If I set a limit that upsets someone, it is my fault. If I upset someone I may be abandoned and alone. For a list of over-responsible assumptions, click here.
Step 4: Identify an expansive mindset to counter your monkey mindset. My client came up with: It is not my responsibility to keep people happy at the expense of expressing myself. Saying no and setting limits is part of good self-care. If I am abandoned by someone, I need to learn to cope with this and not live in fear of it happening. Remember, you don’t need to believe it at this point, but it does need to sound true to you. Click here for a list of possibilities.
Step 5: Identify your Safety Strategies. These are the things you do to keep the worst from happening—in my client’s case, keeping people from feeling angry or abandoning her. Her standard safety behaviors were: Say “yes” before I even think; Over explain why I can’t do it. Make up an excuse or even lie about why I can’t do it.
Step 6: Identify your Expansive Strategies. These are usually the opposite of your safety strategies. My client came up with: Say “Let me think about this and get back to you.” Say “no” without over explaining or making a huge excuse. It can be very useful to role play saying “no” using your new expansive strategies with a supportive friend or family member.
Step 7: Identify —and accept—the emotions your new strategy brings up. Whenever you behave in a way that challenges the monkey mind’s agenda of safety and security, you are going to be hit with negative emotions. They are a call to action, Something is wrong, do something!
Expect these feelings and remind yourself that they are necessary for you to grow in your desired direction of better self-care. Using the welcoming practice is a powerful tool to help you to tolerate them.
Step 8: Reward yourself! This is a very important step so please don’t leave it out. Whether or not you actually disappoint others when you say “no”, the negative emotions and scary rejection scenarios in your head can feel like punishment. To counter this, review your expansive mindsets and strategies, steps 4 and 6, and check off the ones you tried. Then pat yourself on the back. Saying “no” is hard work—and crucial work—to make a stronger, healthier and ultimately happier you!
Jun 1, 2017 | Anxiety, Book
We’ve all witnessed the classic supermarket scene: frazzled parent grabs a treat off the shelf to quiet a tantruming 3-year-old. I’ve been there myself. The reason we do this is, it works. The child quiets down and everyone gets some relief from those unpleasant ear piercing screams. But as most of us know, rewarding a child for a tantrum guarantees more tantrums in the future. Our short-term gain will bring long-term pain.
This is exactly what happens when we get anxious. Imagine you are texting a loved one to make sure they arrived to their destination safely. If they do not respond to your text, your monkey mind is activated. It sounds the anxiety alarm, Something is wrong! Do something! So you send another text. Or perhaps you call instead.
Continuously calling and texting to verify the safety of our loved ones is a great example of what I call feeding the monkey. It seems innocent enough. Your cell phone is so simple to dial. But this behavior is just like giving a tantruming child a treat.
When we respond to the monkey mind’s perception of threat by doing something to neutralize the anxiety it causes, we are quite literally agreeing with the monkey mind and rewarding it for sending us anxiety. By picking up the cell phone again we are sending it the message that we cannot handle the anxiety of not knowing.
When our loved one finally responds, we feel instant relief, further reinforcing the assumption of the monkey mindset that 100% certainty is necessary. Just as the child in the supermarket learned that Because I screamed and cried, I got a treat, your monkey learns that Because I sounded the anxiety alarm, your loved ones are safe.
Whether we are quieting a child with a treat, or quieting the monkey mind by texting a loved one, the result is the same: short-term gain, long-term pain.
As many parents learn, if you can tolerate the child’s tantrum without reacting to it, the child will eventually quiet down and the tantrums will decrease. This works because the child learns 1) that she cannot dictate your behavior, and 2) she can self-regulate herself. The lesson you want to teach your monkey mind in situations where loved ones are out of sight is 1) it cannot dictate your behavior and 2) it can self-regulate.
Neither screaming children nor the monkey mind can be reasoned with. The only teaching tool we have is our behavior. If we want to tame the monkey mind and invest in less anxiety in the future, we need to stop feeding it and learn to tolerate the anxiety that comes with uncertainty. In this example, when you don’t hear back from someone, instead or attempting to neutralize the anxiety by texting or calling again, welcome it. The message you are sending is I can handle not knowing. Although it will be uncomfortable, the truth is, you can handle not knowing. With continued practice, I guarantee you a tamer and less reactive monkey mind. Short-term pain, long-term gain.
May 23, 2017 | Anxiety
Save the Date: June 24, 2017!
Event date: Saturday, June 24, 2017 – 7:00pm
Featured Book: Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry
Santa Rosa – In this unique book, a local author and licensed psychotherapist offers a cognitive behavioral therapy-based approach to help readers stop anxious thoughts from taking over, using proven-effective CBT, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness techniques (as well as fun illustrations). By following the exercises in this book, you’ll learn to identify your own anxious thoughts, question those thoughts, and uncover the core fears at play.
Event Location: Copperfield’s Books
Montgomery Village Store, Santa Rosa
775 Village Court
Santa Rosa, CA 95405
Pre-register and Receive 10% off the event book when you RSVP here (plus another 10% for Rewards Cards holders). Please note, there is no reserved seating.
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