Jan 4, 2021 | Anxiety, Decisions, Goals, Overwhelm, Perfectionism, Procrastination
When it comes to new year’s resolutions, we often start out with enthusiasm and resolve, only to find it fading within a few short months. One of the reasons for this is we focus too much on the end goal, for example “lose 10 pounds”, “organize our garage”, or “run 5 miles”. When we focus so much on our end goals, we often miss out on two very important things.
The Journey
One of my goals is to scan my photos and organize them into online albums, something that my family will be able to share in the future. However, when I think about doing it, I feel overwhelmed. There are so many photos, this will take hours. When I do manage to get started, I feel impatient with the process and only satisfied if I complete an album.
When I focus on the goal of finished photo albums, I miss out on the journey of looking through the photos, enjoying them, and reflecting on the time they were taken. Without those pleasures, my enthusiasm for the project fades, and I’m running only on grim resolve.
Committing to the goal of your new resolution means committing to the journey as well. If the trip to get where you want to go sounds like a grind, perhaps there is a way to get there that inspires you as well. To help you find that inspiration, ask yourself, what are the personal values that my journey might honor?
Personal Values
In my case, there are several values that might inspire me to be more present for my journey with the photo albums. Fun, creativity, and love come to mind. And when I feel the urge to keep going “just to get it done” I might turn to other values like flexibility, self-care and patience. Practicing my personal values is what keeps me coming back again and again.
To live a life of value, we must allow our values to inform how we live. In the busyness of our lives, it’s easy to lose track of what we value, and this year is a wonderful time to remind ourselves what they are.
Here is a list of core human values. When you think of this next year, what values would you like to live by?
SELF-ACCEPTANCE GROWTH OPENNESS CREATIVITY SPIRITUALITY
FUN/PLEASURE RESPONSIBILITY AUTHENTICITY COMMITMENT RESILIENCE
ADVENTURE HEALTH HONESTY SELF-EXPRESSION COMPASSION LOVE
FLEXIBILITY HUMOR PRESENCE/MINDFULNESS COURAGE INDEPENDENCE
PEACE HONOR TRUST SPONTANEITY FORGIVENESS CONNECTION PLAY FLOW
- Pick three to five that you really resonate with. Write them down.
- How do these values tie into your goals for 2021?
I would recommend writing your values down somewhere that you can be reminded of them. We so often lose sight of what is truly important to us.
Resolving to live by our values can motivate us to reach or goals, but more importantly, they help us appreciate the journey. It is the journey, not the destination, where most of life takes place.
Values List PDF
Dec 1, 2019 | Anxiety, Control, Holidays, Perfectionism
When I read this headline on the front page of the Press Democrat this morning, I assumed that it was a mental health crisis line to deal with the increased depression and anxiety that many of us experience around the holidays. I was mistaken. Or was I?
In fact, the hotline in the article was dedicated to holiday anxiety and depression—in nervous cooks! One newlywed phoned in from a closet, “paralyzed by fear” because she did not want her mother in law to know she did not know how to cook a turkey.
The reason we get more anxious, stressed and worried around the holidays is we have been hijacked by our limbic system, which slams us with fight-or-flight neurochemicals whenever the possibility of being judged or criticized arises. It’s the monkey mind’s call to action: Woo-woo-woo! No mistakes! So we try to cook the perfect meal, create a sparkling clean house, get all our gift shopping done, then finally we can relax and enjoy the holidays. Nothing could be farther from the truth. What this does is feed the monkey, guaranteeing that next year will be as stressful as this one.
But you can break free. It’s not too late! Here’s what to do at the first sign of holiday trouble.
Jennifer’s Holiday Hot Tips
1. Identify the values you most want to cultivate this holiday season. Circle the ones that are important to you.
FUN CONNECTION SPIRITUALITY LOVE COMPASSION
2. Redirect yourself to a more expansive mindset, one that supports your true values. Circle the statements that you would like to believe more.
If things do not go exactly as planned, I can practice flexibility.
My self-worth is not tied to a perfect outcome.
Allowing for mistakes makes me human and vulnerable, which fosters true connection with others.
It is more important to live this holiday season fully in the present moment, than to succeed at making things “just right”.
3. When you feel yourself getting stressed and anxious, stop and take ten deep breaths.
4. Now think about something that you can take off your holiday plate right now!
Examples: Limit gift buying time; get a prepared meal or take out; delegate holiday tasks and let others do things differently than you would; don’t clean the whole house.
The Turkey Trouble Hotline in the newspaper article provides nonjudgmental, solution-focused therapy for cooks in trouble. My Holiday Hot Tips does the same for the rest of us. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of self-compassion and do less, not more. This is how we cultivate those values that are most important to us, not just during the holidays, but any time of the year.
Apr 1, 2019 | Easygoing, Perfectionism
It was 11:30 am and I was halfway through my list of to-do’s. But when I saw what was next on the list, a Quicken session— I was three months behind— I hesitated. My impulse was I have to get this done! But while I like getting things done, I also want to cultivate more creativity, vibrancy and pleasure in my life. So, I decided to postpone balancing my budget, and to indulge myself with a fun project instead. I decided to learn how to fold a fitted sheet.
I know this sounds a little crazy but I’m one of those people who actually love doing laundry. The smell of the clean clothes, the heat taking them out of the dryer and folding them all feels very satisfying to me, as does the accomplishment of getting a little task done. But I am 59 years old, and I have never learned how to fold a fitted sheet. I was pretty sure there would be a lot of instructional videos on YouTube that would teach me the art of folding a fitted sheet. I was right!
I found a two-minute video that promised to teach me in four simple steps. I felt my excitement rising. It was posted by a woman about my age and I thought I could definitely learn from her. But thirty seconds in, I was floundering. She said to hold the two corners of the sheet length-wise with the right side facing me. Then she said to take the long end and fold the right corner over the left, then go down the width of the sheet and fold the third corner into the two corners already folded. What??? And damn, she really moves fast for a lady my age! I watched the video eight times, and still did not get it.
Arggggh! So, I found another video with the same simple promise. I watched it six times and I still could not do it. I tried a third video. Still baffled. So, I returned to the first one again. But I was still mystified and my frustration was building. I had thought this fun project would take thirty minutes tops and then I would have lunch. But I was too stubborn to quit.
Finally, after an hour I was actually able to do it. I wasn’t sure how I got there but I was holding in my trembling hands a pretty near perfect folded freaking fitted sheet! Exhausted and irritable, I went downstairs and had lunch. As my headache resided and my blood sugar returned to normal, I wondered, how did I manage to turn something that was supposed to be fun into such a stressful experience?
I retraced my steps. (No, I don’t mean the steps to fold a fitted sheet. I probably wouldn’t be able to replicate those!) How did I approach the task? I had an end goal in mind, that beautifully folded sheet. I assumed it would go smoothly and only take me 30 minutes and that it would be fun. I doggedly persisted, ignoring my hunger and frustration. Hmmmm. All of this sounded familiar to me. This is how I approach much of life, and it is this approach that causes me stress and gets in the way of what I am really after—creativity, vibrancy and pleasure.
After this reflection and having my lunch, I decided to approach the task that I had been avoiding, reviewing my finances on Quicken and paying bills. I made a plan, instead of focusing on the end point—getting it done—I would limit myself to 30 minutes. Whenever I encountered frustration, I would see this as part of the process and I would breath into the feeling, making room for it.
I sat down and set the timer for 30 minutes. I opened Quicken and when I tried to upload my bank accounts, the password wouldn’t work. My chest tightened and my breathing became shallow. Good, I said to myself, this is an opportunity to practice welcoming negative emotions. After ten minutes of trouble shooting, I got access to my account. When my timer went off, I had only balanced one month of the three months I was behind. I was sorely tempted to keep going, but I stuck with my plan. After I shut down my computer I patted myself on the back for approaching the task differently. I noticed feeling more relaxed.
It is my intention to break myself of the habit of prioritizing completion of every task. My life is about more than getting from point A to point B. The ultimate point B is death, where we all end up. I want to enjoy the process, whether or not I ever figure out how to fold a freaking fitted sheet again!
Jun 1, 2018 | Anxiety, Overwhelm, Perfectionism
Do you, or someone you know, have trouble making decisions? It could be as small as deciding what to wear in the morning, or big, like whether to buy a house or continue to rent. You may spend countless hours going through pros and cons in your mind, asking others for advice, or simply putting off thinking about it.
Difficulty making decisions is associated with two of the three Monkey Mindsets, intolerance of uncertainty, (thinking you need to be 100% certain of your decision), and perfectionism, (the belief that making the wrong decision would be catastrophic). Both of these mindsets are impossible standards to meet and create unnecessary agony, anxiety and avoidance when making decisions.
By contrast, those who have an easy time deciding can tolerate the uncertainty and are comfortable with less-than-perfect outcomes. You can learn to do this. Here are three simple steps to follow when you are stuck with a difficult decision.
- Make a pros and cons list on a piece of paper and set a timer for 5-15 minutes. By using a timer, you are restricting the endless looping of pros and cons that you have likely been doing in your head.
- When the timer goes off, set it again for five minutes, the maximum amount of time you have to make the decision. Spending more than five minutes means you are falling back into the trap of attempting to be certain that you are making the right decision.
- If you have not made a decision when the 5-minute timer goes off, flip a coin. Yes, I am 100% serious! Flip a coin and whatever it says, stick with this as your decision. Maybe it sounds crazy to do this, but it is not as crazy as avoiding making a decision because you are operating out of two flawed monkey mindsets.
Once your decision is made, you are no longer stuck, and you can move forward. If your decision brings the results you hoped for, good. If the decision did not work out, also good! You’ll have an opportunity to practice coping with the outcome. Flexibility and resilience are two of the most important commodities in life!
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