I Can’t Depend on My Husband for Anything!!

Illustration by Doug Shannon

As many of you know, my greatest goal in life is to become more easygoing, to honor the values of flexibility, humor and compassion. But there are many forks on my trail toward that goal. Sometimes I don’t see the fork until I’ve taken the wrong path, and I’m lost in the woods. Here’s a great instance of how that happens.

Last night we were having guests over for dinner and I wanted to make coconut ice cream for dessert. It is relatively easy and healthy and tastes great, but when I looked in my cupboard, I was out of coconut milk. My husband Doug cheerfully volunteered to walk over to the market and pick some up. I was wary. Grocery shopping is my domain, and there have been incidents in the past where I have given him a list of things to pick up, and found the list forgotten on the counter, and he either forgot what I wanted or got the wrong thing. It happened with coconut milk in fact; once I asked him to get coconut milk and he brought home coconut water. But I thought, Surely he learned from that mistake. I sent him off to the store and started gathering the other ingredients to prepare. Ten minutes later Doug returned with a small can of condensed coconut milk. “I not sure this is exactly what you wanted,” he said, “but this is all they had.”

I groaned aloud. I knew it wasn’t all they had. Somewhere in my head a voice was screaming, I can’t depend on my husband for anything!! Suddenly I was at a fork, feeling the pull of the wrong path, the one that leads away from easygoing. It felt like my husband’s failure to get what I wanted was pulling me off track. But that was the catalyst, not the cause. The path that was beckoning me was the one blazed by my monkey mind, guided by these two assumptions:

1. To have a successful evening with guests, I need to have a nice complete meal, ie. coconut ice cream for dessert.
2. If I want things to be done well, I have to do them myself. I am in this alone.

I had a decision to make. I could act on my impulses, follow the monkey until the situation was corrected, in other words, go to the store myself.  Or I could accept what was happening and keep moving on my chosen path toward my goal. And that would take a lot more work!

To stay on my chosen path I had to feel the loss of what I wanted, the anxiety about what would be an imperfect meal, and feel my anger at my husband. So I opened my palms and breathed those feelings in. I reminded myself of the mindset I was after:

1. The more I let go of my dinner being perfect, the more present and relaxed I will be with my guests.
2. While my husband sometimes misses details that feel important to me, I can count on him for things that are

I can’t say that I felt all easy going and at peace, but I am proud of myself for noticing the fork and staying on my path. I don’t know whether I could have done that a few years ago. Every situation where I can see the fork and make a conscious decision is progress! And there will be plenty of forks in the future where I’ll have a chance to practice with these same mindsets and emotions. In fact, I just noticed that we’re out of that special kind of almond milk coffee creamer I like. Should I ask Doug to pick some up?