I have a jean jacket that I just love. It’s soft with a blue hue that enhances my eyes, and it’s just warm enough for the fall. The other day I put it on as I left the house in the cool of the morning, then took it off as the day warmed. But when it got cool again that evening I couldn’t find it. Had I left it somewhere? Did someone steal it out of my car? Was it gone forever? I could feel my chest tightening and my stomach getting queasy.
My physical reaction to this apparent loss was natural; we are hard-wired not to lose things we’ve acquired. Our limbic brain, what I call the monkey mind, is constantly prompting us to hang on to anything we might need to survive. To the monkey, It is dangerous to let go of anything you might need in the future. But when we get hijacked with this monkey mindset we can get overly attached to and dependent on our possessions. We are serving the survival agenda of the monkey. The challenge presenting itself to me in that moment was, did I have the resilience to tolerate the loss of my jacket? Could I let it go, or was my day ruined?
I am currently finishing my fifth book, The Welcoming Uncertainty Workout; Break Free from Anxiety & Build Confidence in 30 Days! It’s composed of thirty exercises designed to increase our ability to tolerate uncertainty —the potential loss of possessions, health, connection with others— so that we can live with more freedom, joy and resilience. One of the exercises in the book is called Decide to Declutter. It’s a five-minute exercise where we go through a closet, utility drawer, or garage and pick one item that we don’t use any more. Then get rid of it.
Simple as it sounds, deciding to declutter, even with just one thing, can be a challenge. When we let go of a possession, we are immediately faced with uncertainty. What if I want or need this in the future? Our chests can tighten with a feeling of fear and sadness at the prospect of this future loss of comfort and/or utility. This negative emotion is the call to action of the monkey mind, telling us to hold on tight; it is dangerous to let go of things.
In this exercise, we learn to ride this wave of negative emotions without allowing them to hold us hostage. By letting go of, rather than clinging to, something we don’t need we are reinforcing a healthier expansive mindset: When I let go of something, it strengthens my ability to cope with loss.
As we grow more resilient to our fear of loss, we learn to trust in our own resourcefulness should we ever miss what we’ve given up. We gain confidence that we can cope with an uncertain future, trusting ourselves to find a creative solution to whatever the situation requires. And as we decrease the clutter in our lives, we create more space for happiness and joy. In the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”
As it happens, I was prepared for the loss of my jean jacket. Two years ago, I lost all my clothing in a fire, including a similar jean jacket that I also loved. As a result of that experience, I’m more comfortable now with the uncertainty of what lies ahead, more confident that I can handle whatever challenges arise by improvising with whatever is at hand.
But we don’t have to experience a fire, or even the loss of a beloved article of clothing to begin to taste the freedom of letting go. My new book of exercises is designed to create low stakes experience welcoming the uncertainty of loss, where we can practice tolerating negative emotion and building resilience to the what-if’s that lie ahead. I dare you to join me in deciding to declutter. You can download this practice worksheet to guide you, and please share about your experience by commenting here!
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