This week, after two and a half years of waiting, my husband and I were given the keys to our rebuilt condo that burned to the ground in the Tubbs fire. It’s beautiful, spacious, full of light, better than before, and being a real “homebody”, I was bursting with joy. Until Friday afternoon, that is, when I checked my e-mail.
Our insurance agent announced that his company was dropping our fire and earthquake insurance! My happiness vanished in an instant, and was immediately replaced by anxiety. I’d heard about other insurance companies refusing coverage in our area; if our company wouldn’t insure us, who would? What if there were an earthquake or another fire when we weren’t insured? Woo, woo, woo! My monkey mind was going wild. And my beautiful new home felt cold and dark.
My husband seemed to be taking the news in stride, which annoyed me. I wanted so badly to fix the problem immediately. What is wrong with him? Lying in bed, I wondered whether I’d be able to sleep that night. I needed expert help to deal with this. So, I got out of bed and had a little therapy session with myself.
Step 1: First, I identified the monkey mindset that was activated: Unless you are certain you are safe from loss, you cannot rest. My thinking this way meant that my peace of mind depended on the decision of a big insurance company, something I couldn’t control. I wanted to be able to feel at home even if I was uncertain about the future of my insurance coverage. The expansive mindset that I wanted was, I can accept what is beyond my direct control.
Step 2: While I had come up with a better way to conceptualize my situation, I still felt a powerful urge to do something. But everything being beyond my direct control, the only action I could take was to ask for help from someone who had some control. I decided to shop for another broker and call the state insurance commission first thing on Monday. That meant a whole weekend of waiting to act, but that was the best plan I could think of, and I’d have to curb my sense of urgency until then.
Step 3: Now I had a new mind-set and an action plan, but predictably, when I got back in bed my anxiety returned. My monkey mind was reminding me that a disaster could strike again, like it had in my past, and if I could not get insurance coverage, I’d be devastated. True enough, thank you, monkey! Then I reminded myself it was normal to feel anxious in my situation, so I didn’t need to resist it. To help keep my mind from returning to the mental story of impending disaster without insurance, I focused my attention on my body, breathing into the discomfort with compassion. And eventually I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up to a beautiful, spacious, new home with sunlight streaming in the windows. Nothing external had changed, I still didn’t know whether we’d be able to insure our new home. But uncertain as the future was, I felt grateful for what I had right now, in that moment.
In a world of uncertainty where loss is always threatening, it’s so easy to lose our awareness of the essential miracle of being alive in the present moment. While we want to be grateful for that miracle, when we are hijacked by the monkey mind, we take it for granted. Whatever potential loss is preoccupying us right now—health, social connection, family, job or finances—the three steps to gratitude are always available. 1) Unconditionally accept the uncertainty that is part of life, 2) curb the urge to act compulsively and make plans to address problems as needed, and 3) welcome the emotions that arise and allow them to metabolize on their own. Like a dance, we need to take these steps again and again until they become our default way of living. It’s the only way to live with the monkey mind!
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