A good friend and I planned to bike to a nearby town this morning and go out to breakfast. She is the same friend who took us in after our home burned down a year ago. I will always be grateful for her amazing hospitality, helping us to heal that first month while we recovered from the shock. We’d agreed to meet at my place at 9. At 8:15 I received a text from her that said, “Good morning, “J” is coming with us, he brought his bike, see you soon.”

“J” is her delightful boyfriend. But I did not want to go out to breakfast with her boyfriend too, I just wanted it to be the two of us. My first reaction was anger. My anger felt justified because she just stated he was coming without asking me. But that was not what angered me. I did not want him to come, and I was afraid to say so. I was angry that she was making me state my preference.  

Arggggggh!, I exclaimed. Doug heard me and poked his head in the room, so I told him about the text. “Why not just tell her what you want?” he said. He made it sound so simple. I knew he was right, but I did not want to do it. In that moment being angry and resentful felt more appealing to me. Crazy, huh?

Not crazy, just human. Look at my alternative. If I state my preference, my friend may feel angry and resentful. Maybe she will judge me for being selfish and rude, and ungrateful for all she did for me. My fear of upsetting her triggered one of the core fears I talk about in Don’t Feed The Monkey Mind, the fear of losing connection and belonging, or as I like to call it, getting kicked out of the tribe. According to this part of my brain, it was better to be angry and resentful, because I would not risk my friend’s being disappointed and judging me. If I kept quiet I wouldn’t risk losing my friendship.

But I would lose something, I would lose honesty, authenticity, and the quality of my connection with my friend. If I could not honor these values in myself, then I was not really honoring our friendship.

So, I took a deep breath and texted her back, “My preference is just some time with you.”

A couple of uncomfortable minutes went by, and then my phone chimed. I was scared to look. But when I did, it simply said, “Ok that will work”

I couldn’t be sure from the message how my friend actually felt, but I did feel relieved. She appeared to still want to be my friend. Again, this sounds crazy to type, but of course she would still want to be my friend! But as is always the case, my monkey mind was still on the job, looking for 100% certainty. Thank you monkey!

I originally intended to write this post on the theme of taking care of ourselves around the holidays, but this interaction this morning inspired me. Stating our personal preferences clearly is a great way to take care of ourselves around the holidays, and actually every day of the year. It takes courage, and it does involve risk, but tuning into ourselves and being honest and authentic with our friends and family will ultimately foster the deepest connections. Scary, yes. But worth it!