Since the pandemic, my gym requires us to reserve a lane in the outdoor pool for ½ hour blocks. This morning I went to get in my reserved lane at 7 AM, and there was a woman in my lane. I waited patiently for her to swim to the edge and told her that I had reserved this lane. She said she was sure that she had reserved this lane.
Now, I knew I was correct; this was the lane and timeslot I always reserve. When she offered to double-check her reservation, I let her do it. This meant she had to get out of the pool dripping wet in the chilly morning air. Meanwhile, I hopped in the pool and started doing my laps. I was surprised when, a few minutes later, she showed up at the edge of the lane and showed me her reservation for this lane at this time!
“Wow, there must have been a glitch in the reservation system,” I said. Fortunately, I was able to share a wider lane with another swimmer. Then, after about five laps, I suddenly remembered that I had changed my normal routine and reserved the lane for 7:30, not 7:00! My monkey mind sounded the alarm, chattering, You were wrong! You made a mistake! You were rude! You are bad! You should be punished! Shock waves of shame pulsed through my body. How could I have been so sure of myself and been so wrong?!
Fortunately, I was able to recognize my perfectionistic monkey mindset at work, thinking that my mistake made me a bad person. What I needed was unconditional acceptance. So, I practiced the three steps I outline in my books.
Expansive Mindset: I changed my mindset, from “mistakes make me bad” to “mistakes make me human!”
Welcoming Breath: I welcomed rather than resisted the feelings I was having. For the rest of my swim, I breathed in my shame and breathed out forgiveness.
Changed Behavior: Instead of hiding or avoiding the young woman, I went up to her in the locker room and told her I had made a mistake and that I was very sorry that I had allowed her to get out of the pool to check her reservation, instead of checking mine. She smiled and said, “We all make mistakes.”
It is a widespread misconception that unconditional self-acceptance means we won’t improve ourselves. The opposite is true. When we acknowledge that mistakes make us human, not bad, we can take responsibility for our actions instead of cringing in shame. When we forgive ourselves rather than punish ourselves, we are cultivating kindness and self-compassion, qualities we are then more likely to extend to others.
Forgiveness Meditation:
******
I will be releasing a series of videos with newsletters focused on working out perfectionism. If you would like to receive these topical mailings focused on perfectionism, you can subscribe to this new list by clicking here!
Two days ago, I was checking my e-mail and one of the subject lines jumped off my screen. Interview Request From NBC News. It was the real deal, Fernando Hurtado, a reporter for NBC was doing a story on the anxiety many people are experiencing when returning to “normal” post lockdown life. My first reaction was excitement. Yes, I thought, I want to do this! But as I began writing a reply, my perfectionism started to take hold. In an interview with this big news organization, I have to appear confident, I have to say all the right things, and I can’t make any mistakes! Now I felt so anxious that I was wasn’t sure that I wanted to do the interview.
True Values Defined
Then I remembered to check in with my values. I asked myself, Why would I want to do this interview? To prove myself? Impress other people? But those didn’t ring true. The motive I had for doing the interview was to share what I know about anxiety, and help people get back to normal, to live life more fully. Knowing my real motivation gave me confidence, and perspective on how to proceed. I spent about an hour outlining my thoughts, and because I also value my own time and mental health, I made a point to stop and not give in to the urge to over prepare.
The next morning was the interview and I felt anxious. My heart was beating fast, my stomach felt nervous. But I knew these feelings were not a sign that something was wrong. They were telling me that I was on the right path, taking a risk and putting myself out there, moving in the direction of my values.
Grading My Effort
After I finished the interview, I slipped into another perfectionist habit, ruminating over what I could have done better. I had just taken a step forward, but instead of feeling pride, I felt embarrassed. But I caught myself and reminded myself that I didn’t over prepare, I spoke my truth, and any mistakes I made just mean I’m human. Yay! I thought, I get an A plus! Then I literally kissed my own hand!
The icing on the cake was that when I finally saw the piece, I knew that people will actually find it helpful. Which makes me feel grateful and proud.
We could all us an extra boost of can-do! Here, experts share easy ways to do hard things and increase your joy, resilience, and well-being. Read more here.
This article first appeared in the May 24, 2021 issue of Women’s World Magazine!
“If we lose, I just don’t know whether the country can survive,” my client said. “Things are getting too crazy.” I heard those words before. From clients of the opposite party. The upcoming election has become every American’s—Republicans and Democrats, therapists, and clients— worry number one. To many of us, the idea of losing feels like an existential threat, one that is igniting core fears about our health, our safety, our connections with our loved ones and community. We may be donating time and/or money to our campaign of choice, but it doesn’t feel like enough. We’re still getting regular doses of fight-or-flight neurochemicals and hormones urging us to, Do something! Make certain everything will be OK! So, what are we to do?
Like any worry, election uncertainty is best addressed with a clear strategy. Trying to “wing it” while we are hijacked by the monkey mind won’t get us the peace we’re looking for. When working with my clients, and working with myself, I’ve found the following 3 essential strategies to be most effective.
1. Adopt an Expansive Mindset. When faced with an uncertain outcome like the upcoming election, our mind’s tendency is to contract around all the negative outcomes that may happen—the possibility of losing, disputed vote counts, widespread litigation, protests, and social unrest. If we think we can only rest and relax once these negative outcomes are eliminated, we’ll burn ourselves out with ineffectual activity and worry. To counter this tendency, make an intention to allow unresolved possibilities to remain unresolved. For example: Once I’ve done what is within my control, I will accept the uncertainty that remains.
2. Curb the Urge. Notice the ineffectual activity you’re impulsively engaging in trying to gain certainty about the election—and curb it! Constantly checking news feeds for signs that your side is winning, name-calling, trying to convince others that they are wrong, and replaying political talking points repeatedly in your head—all certainty-seeking behaviors—are triggered by our overactive limbic system, and they only feed the cycle of worry and anxiety. When we curb the urge to reassure ourselves instead, we are cultivating a new expansive mindset, demonstrating to ourselves that we can tolerate uncertainty. Which brings us to our last essential strategy.
3. Welcome Negative Emotion. While the emotions that accompany uncertainty may feel unbearable, resisting or distracting ourselves from them bring only temporary relief; they inevitably show up again, banging on our door to be let in. Treat these emotions as you would a guest, welcoming them by name. Hello, Anger. Come on in, Dread! Use your breath to open up space in your body, space for these feelings to play themselves out. Contrary to what you think, fight-or-flight neurochemicals and hormones do metabolize on their own! To help this process along, redirect your thoughts back to your expansive mindset, which accepts everything you can’t directly control, including your own fears.
Note that each of these three strategies is equally essential. They just don’t work well without each other. It’s a tall order, I know— like learning to juggle three balls in the air. And that last ball may sound more like juggling a chainsaw! But the good news is that the skills you will gain practicing these three strategies will help you learn to relax in the middle of this election’s chaos, so you’ll be more likely to take the wise action that is called for. And moving forward into 2021, you’ll find that using these strategies will bring more peace and clarity to the rest of your life as well. There is no uncertainty too big, or too small, for anyone using these 3 essential steps to master.
Click here to listen to a guided meditation that helps us learn to relax in the midst of uncertainty.
A good friend and I planned to bike to a nearby town this morning and go out to breakfast. She is the same friend who took us in after our home burned down a year ago. I will always be grateful for her amazing hospitality, helping us to heal that first month while we recovered from the shock. We’d agreed to meet at my place at 9. At 8:15 I received a text from her that said, “Good morning, “J” is coming with us, he brought his bike, see you soon.”
“J” is her delightful boyfriend. But I did not want to go out to breakfast with her boyfriend too, I just wanted it to be the two of us. My first reaction was anger. My anger felt justified because she just stated he was coming without asking me. But that was not what angered me. I did not want him to come, and I was afraid to say so. I was angry that she was making me state my preference.
Arggggggh!, I exclaimed. Doug heard me and poked his head in the room, so I told him about the text. “Why not just tell her what you want?” he said. He made it sound so simple. I knew he was right, but I did not want to do it. In that moment being angry and resentful felt more appealing to me. Crazy, huh?
Not crazy, just human. Look at my alternative. If I state my preference, my friend may feel angry and resentful. Maybe she will judge me for being selfish and rude, and ungrateful for all she did for me. My fear of upsetting her triggered one of the core fears I talk about in Don’t Feed The Monkey Mind, the fear of losing connection and belonging, or as I like to call it, getting kicked out of the tribe. According to this part of my brain, it was better to be angry and resentful, because I would not risk my friend’s being disappointed and judging me. If I kept quiet I wouldn’t risk losing my friendship.
But I would lose something, I would lose honesty, authenticity, and the quality of my connection with my friend. If I could not honor these values in myself, then I was not really honoring our friendship.
So, I took a deep breath and texted her back, “My preference is just some time with you.”
A couple of uncomfortable minutes went by, and then my phone chimed. I was scared to look. But when I did, it simply said, “Ok that will work”
I couldn’t be sure from the message how my friend actually felt, but I did feel relieved. She appeared to still want to be my friend. Again, this sounds crazy to type, but of course she would still want to be my friend! But as is always the case, my monkey mind was still on the job, looking for 100% certainty. Thank you monkey!
I originally intended to write this post on the theme of taking care of ourselves around the holidays, but this interaction this morning inspired me. Stating our personal preferences clearly is a great way to take care of ourselves around the holidays, and actually every day of the year. It takes courage, and it does involve risk, but tuning into ourselves and being honest and authentic with our friends and family will ultimately foster the deepest connections. Scary, yes. But worth it!
This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. Cookie information is stored in your browser and performs functions such as recognizing you when you return to our website and helping our team to understand which sections of the website you find most interesting and useful. When completing forms for comments or our mailing list, your information is kept confidential and is never shared or sold.
Strictly Necessary Cookies
Strictly Necessary Cookie should be enabled at all times so that we can save your preferences for cookie settings.
If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to save your preferences. This means that every time you visit this website you will need to enable or disable cookies again.
We could all us an extra boost of can-do! Here, experts share easy ways to do hard things and increase your joy, resilience, and well-being. Read more 
“If we lose, I just don’t know whether the country can survive,” my client said. “Things are getting too crazy.” I heard those words before. From clients of the opposite party. The upcoming election has become every American’s—Republicans and Democrats, therapists, and clients— worry number one. To many of us, the idea of losing feels like an existential threat, one that is igniting core fears about our health, our safety, our connections with our loved ones and community. We may be donating time and/or money to our campaign of choice, but it doesn’t feel like enough. We’re still getting regular doses of fight-or-flight neurochemicals and hormones urging us to, Do something! Make certain everything will be OK! So, what are we to do?
Recent Comments