Nov 23, 2021 | Anxiety, Easygoing, Holidays, Over Responsibility, Social Anxiety
Coping with Difficult People This Holiday Season
This is what my client Andi told me this week. Like so many others, she is very grateful that she will be able to get together with family and friends for the holidays this year. Last year had its own set of stressors, but it had fewer frictions that naturally occur during holiday get-togethers. Whether it’s friends or family, there are always people who rub us the wrong way.
What triggered Andi was when her mother suggested how Andi could do things just a little bit better. These suggestions were particularly distressing when it came to her parenting. Just this week, when her mother was over for dinner and her son was having a meltdown, her mother said, “When you did that, I would put you right in your room!.” At that moment, Andi felt like putting her mom in her room, not her son. Instead, she snapped at her mom, telling her she did not want to hear it. Her mom looked hurt. Andi felt even worse, thinking she was not a good enough mom or daughter.
Andi’s goal for therapy was to be more patient, loving, and compassionate with her mother at Christmas. These are beautiful goals, but they are not realistic. The gap between how we think we should feel and act and how we do, causes more stress, shame, and blame. We cannot just will ourselves not feel triggered by friends and relatives. But we can learn to respond to our triggers differently.
Expect and Accept you will get triggered. It helps to realize that it is normal to get activated. When we expect this to happen, we position ourselves to respond to our triggers differently.
Learn to relax rather than react to your triggers. When we get triggered, our bodies contract, and we tense up. By practicing labeling our feelings and training ourselves to relax our bodies, we become much less reactive.
Rehearse ahead of time. A powerful tool we use in cognitive behavioral therapy is called imaginal exposure. By picturing upsetting situations, we can generate similar feelings and sensations when they are happening in real-time. By practicing relaxation during an imaginal exposure, you are much more likely to remember to use them at your next get-together.
Listen to this imaginal practice at least one time before your next planned gathering. Be patient, loving, and compassionate towards yourself! Becoming less reactive takes time.
May 28, 2021 | Anxiety, Fear, Overwhelm, Social Anxiety
We could all us an extra boost of can-do! Here, experts share easy ways to do hard things and increase your joy, resilience, and well-being. Read more here.
This article first appeared in the May 24, 2021 issue of Women’s World Magazine!
Aug 1, 2019 | Shyness, Social Anxiety
I was asked to write an article on anxiety for a very cool magazine called KidSpirit an award-winning, non-profit magazine by and for 11-to-17-year-olds to explore life’s big questions in a spirit of open inquiry. They chose the topic of “Fear and Anxiety” for their summer issue. I wrote an autobiographical piece on my own social anxiety, the most common type of anxiety there is. If you, or someone you know suffers from social anxiety, read on and please share this article with others who might benefit from it.
That’s me, kissing my pet guinea pig in first grade. As you might be able to guess from this picture, I was a very quiet and shy little girl.
When teachers instructed students to read out loud in class, I shrank down in my chair, hoping and praying I wouldn’t be called on. If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I probably would have said, “invisible.” Since starting conversations with people I did not already know made me anxious, I had a hard time making friends. Although I was a good student, my 10th grade English teacher gave me a “D” because I wasn’t participating enough in classroom discussions.
Judged, Criticized and Rejected
The fear I had is called social anxiety, and it is one of the most common types of anxiety that there is. It is a fear of being judged, criticized, and rejected by others. Feeling this way from time to time doesn’t cause problems, but when we’re socially anxious a lot of the time it can really get in the way of making friends, succeeding in school, and being happy and confident. The good news is, social anxiety can be overcome. When we understand where the fear comes from, we can see how to respond to it. Continue Reading…
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Jul 1, 2019 | Control, Social Anxiety
A few weeks ago, I competed in a Toastmaster regional speech competition; nine representatives from Toastmasters clubs all over Northern California delivering 5-7 minute original speeches in front of an audience of 300 people. What made it even more formidable was that I was competing against an opponent that speaks much louder and faster than any of the other speakers, an opponent who’d been consistently beating me for most of my life. I’m talking about an internal opponent: my monkey mind.
In my books, I write that anxiety doesn’t need to stop us from achieving our goals and living the life we want. I wanted to be able to speak that message in front of groups. For two years now I’ve been climbing my public speaking ladder, one rung at a time. Going to Toastmasters meetings, making speeches, exchanging evaluations with others, in a small supportive group was helping me gain confidence and skills. I was winning little skirmishes with the monkey on a regular basis.
Naturally when the opportunity to compete in a regional competition appeared the monkey had a howling fit, Woo-woo-woo! You’re not ready! It had a good point and I was nearly convinced. But since my goal is to expose myself to situations where I can fail, I entered anyway. That made it a win for me.
Two weeks before the big competition, to get some practice, I gave my speech in front of another club. Suddenly, right in the in the middle of it, I stopped, unable to remember what came next. It took me a full 20 seconds for my mind to fill in the blank and move on. The monkey was howling, Woo-woo-woo! You looked foolish in front of all those people! I probably did look foolish, but my goal was to be authentic no matter what, so that was another win for me.
At the regional competition, I was the sixth scheduled speaker, and I had to listen to five great speeches, along with the laughter and applause of the audience, while my monkey chattered in the background, Woo-woo-woo! They’re better than you! My heart was beating so hard and fast I could see my jacket moving over my chest. Woo-woo-woo!, howled the monkey, You’re falling apart! But I’d learned that my sensations were normal for my situation, and I was able to relax— even smile and joke with some of the other speakers as we waited our turns. When I finally walked to the stage the monkey screeched, Wo-woo-woo! What if you forget like the other day?!
Maybe it was because I was willing to look like a fool that I didn’t forget anything. Maybe it was because I was willing to feel anxious that I was able to relax on stage. Maybe it was because I was willing to lose the regional competition that I ended up a winner.
No, I didn’t win the Toastmasters regional speech competition. I didn’t even place. But the competition that mattered most to me was the competition with my monkey mind. And I won!
Dec 21, 2018 | Holidays, Social Anxiety, Time Management
Four more days, and It’s not too late….
…to take something off your list!
This morning my client came into our session exhausted. She hadn’t slept well, and she is going through some health issues. Her grown children are arriving later today from out of state and she had a plan to make their favorite holiday cake and cookies, but she simply didn’t have the energy for it. With much regret, she bought scones and cookies at her local market instead. She sounded so defeated.
I, on the other hand was cheering for her! I told her this was so skillful, given her energy level, to do less instead of more. If she burned herself out making cake and cookies, by the time her children arrived she would have no energy to connect with them.
The holidays are supposed to be a time of reflection, when we can attune to what is most important to us. This might be family, or self-compassion, better self-care, or a spiritual connection. Hard things to do, when we are running around trying to get everything that we think we need to get done.
So I challenge you to do one less thing. By consciously doing less, we are making room for things that cannot be checked off a list like connection, fun, pleasure and peace.
Sep 25, 2018 | Children, Social Anxiety
By Jennifer Shannon, LMFT, author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens, The Anxiety Survival Guide for Teens, and Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind
I will never forget the morning I pulled the covers off my daughter, telling her in my firmest voice that she had to get out of bed NOW. From the beginning of sixth grade it had been a struggle, but with a firm hand, I was able to get Rose out of bed and off to school. But this morning we’d hit a wall. She looked at me with genuine dread. “Mom,” she said, “I would rather die than go to school.”
My beautiful daughter had developed severe social anxiety disorder. On her “good” days at school, she survived by avoiding social interactions, often hiding in the bathroom during recess and lunch breaks. On her worst days, she had full-blown panic attacks and went to the office complaining of stomach aches and asking to be sent home. While there was nothing physically wrong with her, I knew her distress was real. And as a parent, I was suffering too. Read More…
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