Dec 1, 2019 | Anxiety, Control, Holidays, Perfectionism
When I read this headline on the front page of the Press Democrat this morning, I assumed that it was a mental health crisis line to deal with the increased depression and anxiety that many of us experience around the holidays. I was mistaken. Or was I?
In fact, the hotline in the article was dedicated to holiday anxiety and depression—in nervous cooks! One newlywed phoned in from a closet, “paralyzed by fear” because she did not want her mother in law to know she did not know how to cook a turkey.
The reason we get more anxious, stressed and worried around the holidays is we have been hijacked by our limbic system, which slams us with fight-or-flight neurochemicals whenever the possibility of being judged or criticized arises. It’s the monkey mind’s call to action: Woo-woo-woo! No mistakes! So we try to cook the perfect meal, create a sparkling clean house, get all our gift shopping done, then finally we can relax and enjoy the holidays. Nothing could be farther from the truth. What this does is feed the monkey, guaranteeing that next year will be as stressful as this one.
But you can break free. It’s not too late! Here’s what to do at the first sign of holiday trouble.
Jennifer’s Holiday Hot Tips
1. Identify the values you most want to cultivate this holiday season. Circle the ones that are important to you.
FUN CONNECTION SPIRITUALITY LOVE COMPASSION
2. Redirect yourself to a more expansive mindset, one that supports your true values. Circle the statements that you would like to believe more.
If things do not go exactly as planned, I can practice flexibility.
My self-worth is not tied to a perfect outcome.
Allowing for mistakes makes me human and vulnerable, which fosters true connection with others.
It is more important to live this holiday season fully in the present moment, than to succeed at making things “just right”.
3. When you feel yourself getting stressed and anxious, stop and take ten deep breaths.
4. Now think about something that you can take off your holiday plate right now!
Examples: Limit gift buying time; get a prepared meal or take out; delegate holiday tasks and let others do things differently than you would; don’t clean the whole house.
The Turkey Trouble Hotline in the newspaper article provides nonjudgmental, solution-focused therapy for cooks in trouble. My Holiday Hot Tips does the same for the rest of us. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of self-compassion and do less, not more. This is how we cultivate those values that are most important to us, not just during the holidays, but any time of the year.
Oct 31, 2019 | Anxiety, Control, Uncertainty
Uncertainty is inevitable in life. My personal practice, and the one I teach my clients and that I write about in my books, is that the more we can accept uncertainty, the more calm, grounded, and resilient we are. But I could accept uncertainty a little better if things weren’t so up in the air just now!
As wildfires rage in California, many of us have lost power and were evacuated from our homes. What should we pack? How long will we be gone? Where will we go? How long will the power be out? How strong will the winds get and what direction will they blow? Will my house burn down? For some of us this question was, will our house burn down again? So much is at stake, and so much is unknown. How do we cope with uncertainty and the anxiety it causes?
The anxiety we felt when the fire and evacuations began is the sympathetic— flight-fight —branch of our nervous system. It helped me focus when I was evacuating with my dog and my aged mother, packing underwear, warm clothes, medications, flashlights, batteries, water— things that would help us to survive. Thank you monkey mind!
Once we were safely situated, we want our nervous system to switch over to the parasympathetic nervous system, the one that allows us to the rest, relax and digest. Animals are great at this. If a deer sees you, its body tenses, ready to run. But once it recognizes you are not a threat and you walk on by, they go back to grazing moments later as if nothing happened. We humans are not so good at this. Once the imminent threat passes, we start to fret about money lost from the power outage, what to do with rotting food, and when will this happen again? We do, however, have the same ability as the grazing deer, we just need to help activate the parasympathetic nervous system.
We are all familiar with the healthy food pyramid that best supports our physical health. I’ve constructed a mental health pyramid that you may find especially useful in times of heightened uncertainty.
Bottom level 1:
Sleep, and if you are having trouble sleeping, rest. Contact with supportive friends/relatives; relaxation activities like meditation, guided visualizations, being in nature; exercise, which can be just 5 minutes of a brisk walk, gentle stretching, coming home to the body.
Level 2:
Keep to some kind of schedule if possible, getting up and going to bed around the same time. Think about things that you do daily, and see which ones you can still do even when life is topsy-turvy. Try to do at least two pleasant activities each day. This could be reading a book, playing with your pet, or listening to music if you have access to it.
Level 3:
Smile at others. Smiling actually releases endorphins (feel good chemicals we naturally produce) in both the giver and the receiver. Say out loud or write down three things you are grateful for. Be forgiving and gentle with yourself and others.
Level 4:
Checking newsfeeds and social media. We need to know what is happening in the world and with our friends and relatives, but if you are checking your cell phone every few minutes and are not in imminent threat, try to decrease it to once or twice an hour.
Level 5:
Complaining or asking why is this happening. It is natural to want to vent, but too much of it will make us feel worse.
Level 6:
Comfort food; alcohol or other synthetic relaxants;
Whether we are recovering from the threat of regional emergency like a wildfire, or from an illness, a job loss, or other personal stressor, we are always wise to remember what behaviors encourage the rest and digest branch of our nervous system. These self-care behaviors are the foundation for a healthy state of mind and body. They are how we feed ourselves, not the monkey!
Oct 1, 2019 | Anxiety
I have a jean jacket that I just love. It’s soft with a blue hue that enhances my eyes, and it’s just warm enough for the fall. The other day I put it on as I left the house in the cool of the morning, then took it off as the day warmed. But when it got cool again that evening I couldn’t find it. Had I left it somewhere? Did someone steal it out of my car? Was it gone forever? I could feel my chest tightening and my stomach getting queasy.
My physical reaction to this apparent loss was natural; we are hard-wired not to lose things we’ve acquired. Our limbic brain, what I call the monkey mind, is constantly prompting us to hang on to anything we might need to survive. To the monkey, It is dangerous to let go of anything you might need in the future. But when we get hijacked with this monkey mindset we can get overly attached to and dependent on our possessions. We are serving the survival agenda of the monkey. The challenge presenting itself to me in that moment was, did I have the resilience to tolerate the loss of my jacket? Could I let it go, or was my day ruined?
I am currently finishing my fifth book, The Welcoming Uncertainty Workout; Break Free from Anxiety & Build Confidence in 30 Days! It’s composed of thirty exercises designed to increase our ability to tolerate uncertainty —the potential loss of possessions, health, connection with others— so that we can live with more freedom, joy and resilience. One of the exercises in the book is called Decide to Declutter. It’s a five-minute exercise where we go through a closet, utility drawer, or garage and pick one item that we don’t use any more. Then get rid of it.
Simple as it sounds, deciding to declutter, even with just one thing, can be a challenge. When we let go of a possession, we are immediately faced with uncertainty. What if I want or need this in the future? Our chests can tighten with a feeling of fear and sadness at the prospect of this future loss of comfort and/or utility. This negative emotion is the call to action of the monkey mind, telling us to hold on tight; it is dangerous to let go of things.
In this exercise, we learn to ride this wave of negative emotions without allowing them to hold us hostage. By letting go of, rather than clinging to, something we don’t need we are reinforcing a healthier expansive mindset: When I let go of something, it strengthens my ability to cope with loss.
As we grow more resilient to our fear of loss, we learn to trust in our own resourcefulness should we ever miss what we’ve given up. We gain confidence that we can cope with an uncertain future, trusting ourselves to find a creative solution to whatever the situation requires. And as we decrease the clutter in our lives, we create more space for happiness and joy. In the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”
As it happens, I was prepared for the loss of my jean jacket. Two years ago, I lost all my clothing in a fire, including a similar jean jacket that I also loved. As a result of that experience, I’m more comfortable now with the uncertainty of what lies ahead, more confident that I can handle whatever challenges arise by improvising with whatever is at hand.
But we don’t have to experience a fire, or even the loss of a beloved article of clothing to begin to taste the freedom of letting go. My new book of exercises is designed to create low stakes experience welcoming the uncertainty of loss, where we can practice tolerating negative emotion and building resilience to the what-if’s that lie ahead. I dare you to join me in deciding to declutter. You can download this practice worksheet to guide you, and please share about your experience by commenting here!
Sep 2, 2019 | Easygoing, Monkey Mind, Over Responsibility
I love a day alone at home. I can tune into myself, find my own rhythm without any sense of obligation or accountability to anyone but me. Personal time at home is something I need. It doesn’t happen as often as I like because my husband works primarily from home, but last weekend Doug was scheduled for a job that would take him away. I’d have all of Sunday to myself. I’d been looking forward to it all week—secretly, because if Doug knew just how much I cherish my time to myself, I thought it would hurt his feelings.
We had a lovely Saturday together and we were feeling close. Then that evening Doug realized he’d been mistaken, he wouldn’t be flying out until Monday. Now we could do something together, he reported cheerfully.
UGGGGGH!, My day to myself was snatched away! I couldn’t have hidden my disappointment if I tried. The intimacy we’d been feeling vanished, replaced by a mutual disappointment with each other. I was disappointed with the loss of my personal day, and resentful of Doug for his mistake. Doug was disappointed that I didn’t want him around. He said he would spend as much time away on Sunday as possible to give me time to myself. He didn’t complain, but to me, he looked sad and dejected. And that wasn’t the kind of personal time I wanted, nor the way I wanted to get it.
Instead of enjoying my personal private Sunday, I was haunted by a whole bunch of yucky thoughts and feelings—disappointed that I was not going to get the day I had envisioned, guilty that Doug’s feelings were hurt by my disappointment, angry that I “never” get much time to myself, anxious that this conflict made me feel separate and alone, and confused, wondering if my desire for alone time was reasonable or not. Was I to blame for Doug’s hurt feelings? Was it selfish of me? Or was it his fault for messing up his schedule and for failing to give me enough space?
Despite my raw feelings and confusion, I knew in my heart that when we blame ourselves for our desires, or blame others for getting in the way of our desires, we are assuming the stance of victim, a powerless position from which personal growth is impossible. I knew that wasn’t me. I didn’t want to merely survive this Sunday, I wanted to reclaim it. But how?
I had a strong urge to try to retreat. I could apologize, and find something we could do together to bring back a feeling of connection. But was that an any better answer to the dilemma than laying blame? Where was my urge to fix things coming from? Was it from an expansive and loving place or was it fear of losing connection?
The answer, I knew, was fear. Instead of trying to smooth things over, I committed myself to move towards my values of honesty, my own health and happiness, and courage to stick with my alone time even though it may be hurting him. This was my personal responsibility to myself. That Sunday turned into a day of practice. I practiced saying what I wanted. I practiced allowing my feelings of guilt and anxiety and anger to wash through me without acting out by accommodating Doug or blaming him. I practiced my expansive mindset, reminding myself that If Doug is upset with me, it does not mean I have done something wrong. He has a right to his feelings, and I have a right to mine. And I practiced honoring my higher values of Self-Acceptance, Authenticity and Courage.
Last Sunday was not the day I had been looking forward to all week, a precious day of personal time. But in retrospect, it may have been something more precious. A day of personal growth.
Aug 15, 2019 | Anxiety, CBT
“Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind,” with Anxiety Treatment Expert and Author Jennifer Shannon.
an episode of the Mother and More Podcast with Kaitlin Soule, LMFT
A cognitive behavioral therapist who shares real thoughts, tips and tools to help you live and feel better. I share my thoughts and insights from both my clinical and personal perspective on the topic of anxiety, mental health, parenthood, and being imperfectly and courageously human. Listen to the podcast here! Or on Apple Podcasts here!
Aug 1, 2019 | Shyness, Social Anxiety
I was asked to write an article on anxiety for a very cool magazine called KidSpirit an award-winning, non-profit magazine by and for 11-to-17-year-olds to explore life’s big questions in a spirit of open inquiry. They chose the topic of “Fear and Anxiety” for their summer issue. I wrote an autobiographical piece on my own social anxiety, the most common type of anxiety there is. If you, or someone you know suffers from social anxiety, read on and please share this article with others who might benefit from it.
That’s me, kissing my pet guinea pig in first grade. As you might be able to guess from this picture, I was a very quiet and shy little girl.
When teachers instructed students to read out loud in class, I shrank down in my chair, hoping and praying I wouldn’t be called on. If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I probably would have said, “invisible.” Since starting conversations with people I did not already know made me anxious, I had a hard time making friends. Although I was a good student, my 10th grade English teacher gave me a “D” because I wasn’t participating enough in classroom discussions.
Judged, Criticized and Rejected
The fear I had is called social anxiety, and it is one of the most common types of anxiety that there is. It is a fear of being judged, criticized, and rejected by others. Feeling this way from time to time doesn’t cause problems, but when we’re socially anxious a lot of the time it can really get in the way of making friends, succeeding in school, and being happy and confident. The good news is, social anxiety can be overcome. When we understand where the fear comes from, we can see how to respond to it. Continue Reading…
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Jul 1, 2019 | Control, Social Anxiety
A few weeks ago, I competed in a Toastmaster regional speech competition; nine representatives from Toastmasters clubs all over Northern California delivering 5-7 minute original speeches in front of an audience of 300 people. What made it even more formidable was that I was competing against an opponent that speaks much louder and faster than any of the other speakers, an opponent who’d been consistently beating me for most of my life. I’m talking about an internal opponent: my monkey mind.
In my books, I write that anxiety doesn’t need to stop us from achieving our goals and living the life we want. I wanted to be able to speak that message in front of groups. For two years now I’ve been climbing my public speaking ladder, one rung at a time. Going to Toastmasters meetings, making speeches, exchanging evaluations with others, in a small supportive group was helping me gain confidence and skills. I was winning little skirmishes with the monkey on a regular basis.
Naturally when the opportunity to compete in a regional competition appeared the monkey had a howling fit, Woo-woo-woo! You’re not ready! It had a good point and I was nearly convinced. But since my goal is to expose myself to situations where I can fail, I entered anyway. That made it a win for me.
Two weeks before the big competition, to get some practice, I gave my speech in front of another club. Suddenly, right in the in the middle of it, I stopped, unable to remember what came next. It took me a full 20 seconds for my mind to fill in the blank and move on. The monkey was howling, Woo-woo-woo! You looked foolish in front of all those people! I probably did look foolish, but my goal was to be authentic no matter what, so that was another win for me.
At the regional competition, I was the sixth scheduled speaker, and I had to listen to five great speeches, along with the laughter and applause of the audience, while my monkey chattered in the background, Woo-woo-woo! They’re better than you! My heart was beating so hard and fast I could see my jacket moving over my chest. Woo-woo-woo!, howled the monkey, You’re falling apart! But I’d learned that my sensations were normal for my situation, and I was able to relax— even smile and joke with some of the other speakers as we waited our turns. When I finally walked to the stage the monkey screeched, Wo-woo-woo! What if you forget like the other day?!
Maybe it was because I was willing to look like a fool that I didn’t forget anything. Maybe it was because I was willing to feel anxious that I was able to relax on stage. Maybe it was because I was willing to lose the regional competition that I ended up a winner.
No, I didn’t win the Toastmasters regional speech competition. I didn’t even place. But the competition that mattered most to me was the competition with my monkey mind. And I won!
Jun 4, 2019 | Decisions, Uncertainty
Since the Tubbs fire in 2017 my husband and I have been asked many times if we planned to rebuild. We knew from the start that we would rebuild, because our home was a condominium and since we did not own the land it was on, this was our only option. What we didn’t know was whether we wanted to sell it or move back into it once it was built.
I have always been a decisive person, knowing what I want and going for it, but these past 18 months I have zig-zagged all over the place. I changed my mind so many times that I started to qualify my answer to the question of what our plans were, saying, well, today we want to live in a tiny house, but this could change by tomorrow or next week. Yes, at one crazy moment we actually mused about a tiny house, as well as a work/live apartment, buying a lot and building new, a manufactured home, another condominium, even two studios. What I learned was I just didn’t know what I wanted for certain, and over time, I grew more comfortable with this.
We are currently planning to move back into what we call “our new old house”. Building finally started in February and we went on our first tour of the new construction this week. It was exciting and felt real that we are going to have our own home back, maybe by as soon as December!
Having made this decision, at least for now, has opened the door to dozens of new decisions about just about everything other than the floor plan. What kind of cabinets, flooring, fixtures, fireplace, paint color, drywall, railings? The list goes on and on. I can get stressed out about it, when I let me monkey mind do the thinking for me, it sounds a like this:
You had better make the right decision about the fireplace or you will regret it.
Maybe you should have upgraded the drywall to be smooth.
Spending $5,000 on cable railing may be a mistake.
You might regret not having done all the upgrades when you see your neighbor’s condo and it is nicer than yours.
All this new carpet and paint, what will the off-gassing be like? You might move back in and poison yourself!
The last one started after I got a headache in a friend’s brand new house in Coffey Park after being there for one hour. It‘s my new worry de jour.
The truth is I can’t know if we are making the right decision about anything. What I am sure about, is the more I can accept not knowing for sure what’s best, the more relaxed I feel. My decision to accept uncertainty is the only right decision I can make. It’s the decision that will ultimately bring me the most peace and happiness.
If I change my mind next month, and decide I want to live in a yurt, I’ll let you know!
May 3, 2019 | Control, Easygoing
Illustration by Doug Shannon
As many of you know, my greatest goal in life is to become more easygoing, to honor the values of flexibility, humor and compassion. But there are many forks on my trail toward that goal. Sometimes I don’t see the fork until I’ve taken the wrong path, and I’m lost in the woods. Here’s a great instance of how that happens.
Last night we were having guests over for dinner and I wanted to make coconut ice cream for dessert. It is relatively easy and healthy and tastes great, but when I looked in my cupboard, I was out of coconut milk. My husband Doug cheerfully volunteered to walk over to the market and pick some up. I was wary. Grocery shopping is my domain, and there have been incidents in the past where I have given him a list of things to pick up, and found the list forgotten on the counter, and he either forgot what I wanted or got the wrong thing. It happened with coconut milk in fact; once I asked him to get coconut milk and he brought home coconut water. But I thought, Surely he learned from that mistake. I sent him off to the store and started gathering the other ingredients to prepare. Ten minutes later Doug returned with a small can of condensed coconut milk. “I not sure this is exactly what you wanted,” he said, “but this is all they had.”
I groaned aloud. I knew it wasn’t all they had. Somewhere in my head a voice was screaming, I can’t depend on my husband for anything!! Suddenly I was at a fork, feeling the pull of the wrong path, the one that leads away from easygoing. It felt like my husband’s failure to get what I wanted was pulling me off track. But that was the catalyst, not the cause. The path that was beckoning me was the one blazed by my monkey mind, guided by these two assumptions:
- To have a successful evening with guests, I need to have a nice complete meal, ie. coconut ice cream for dessert.
- If I want things to be done well, I have to do them myself. I am in this alone.
I had a decision to make. I could act on my impulses, follow the monkey until the situation was corrected, in other words, go to the store myself. Or I could accept what was happening and keep moving on my chosen path toward my goal. And that would take a lot more work!
To stay on my chosen path I had to feel the loss of what I wanted, the anxiety about what would be an imperfect meal, and feel my anger at my husband. So I opened my palms and breathed those feelings in. I reminded myself of the mindset I was after:
- The more I let go of my dinner being perfect, the more present and relaxed I will be with my guests.
- While my husband sometimes misses details that feel important to me, I can count on him for things that are
I can’t say that I felt all easy going and at peace, but I am proud of myself for noticing the fork and staying on my path. I don’t know whether I could have done that a few years ago. Every situation where I can see the fork and make a conscious decision is progress! And there will be plenty of forks in the future where I’ll have a chance to practice with these same mindsets and emotions. In fact, I just noticed that we’re out of that special kind of almond milk coffee creamer I like. Should I ask Doug to pick some up?
Apr 1, 2019 | Easygoing, Perfectionism
It was 11:30 am and I was halfway through my list of to-do’s. But when I saw what was next on the list, a Quicken session— I was three months behind— I hesitated. My impulse was I have to get this done! But while I like getting things done, I also want to cultivate more creativity, vibrancy and pleasure in my life. So, I decided to postpone balancing my budget, and to indulge myself with a fun project instead. I decided to learn how to fold a fitted sheet.
I know this sounds a little crazy but I’m one of those people who actually love doing laundry. The smell of the clean clothes, the heat taking them out of the dryer and folding them all feels very satisfying to me, as does the accomplishment of getting a little task done. But I am 59 years old, and I have never learned how to fold a fitted sheet. I was pretty sure there would be a lot of instructional videos on YouTube that would teach me the art of folding a fitted sheet. I was right!
I found a two-minute video that promised to teach me in four simple steps. I felt my excitement rising. It was posted by a woman about my age and I thought I could definitely learn from her. But thirty seconds in, I was floundering. She said to hold the two corners of the sheet length-wise with the right side facing me. Then she said to take the long end and fold the right corner over the left, then go down the width of the sheet and fold the third corner into the two corners already folded. What??? And damn, she really moves fast for a lady my age! I watched the video eight times, and still did not get it.
Arggggh! So, I found another video with the same simple promise. I watched it six times and I still could not do it. I tried a third video. Still baffled. So, I returned to the first one again. But I was still mystified and my frustration was building. I had thought this fun project would take thirty minutes tops and then I would have lunch. But I was too stubborn to quit.
Finally, after an hour I was actually able to do it. I wasn’t sure how I got there but I was holding in my trembling hands a pretty near perfect folded freaking fitted sheet! Exhausted and irritable, I went downstairs and had lunch. As my headache resided and my blood sugar returned to normal, I wondered, how did I manage to turn something that was supposed to be fun into such a stressful experience?
I retraced my steps. (No, I don’t mean the steps to fold a fitted sheet. I probably wouldn’t be able to replicate those!) How did I approach the task? I had an end goal in mind, that beautifully folded sheet. I assumed it would go smoothly and only take me 30 minutes and that it would be fun. I doggedly persisted, ignoring my hunger and frustration. Hmmmm. All of this sounded familiar to me. This is how I approach much of life, and it is this approach that causes me stress and gets in the way of what I am really after—creativity, vibrancy and pleasure.
After this reflection and having my lunch, I decided to approach the task that I had been avoiding, reviewing my finances on Quicken and paying bills. I made a plan, instead of focusing on the end point—getting it done—I would limit myself to 30 minutes. Whenever I encountered frustration, I would see this as part of the process and I would breath into the feeling, making room for it.
I sat down and set the timer for 30 minutes. I opened Quicken and when I tried to upload my bank accounts, the password wouldn’t work. My chest tightened and my breathing became shallow. Good, I said to myself, this is an opportunity to practice welcoming negative emotions. After ten minutes of trouble shooting, I got access to my account. When my timer went off, I had only balanced one month of the three months I was behind. I was sorely tempted to keep going, but I stuck with my plan. After I shut down my computer I patted myself on the back for approaching the task differently. I noticed feeling more relaxed.
It is my intention to break myself of the habit of prioritizing completion of every task. My life is about more than getting from point A to point B. The ultimate point B is death, where we all end up. I want to enjoy the process, whether or not I ever figure out how to fold a freaking fitted sheet again!
Mar 1, 2019 | Anxiety, Control
Text me when you plane lands.
Text me to let me know you got home safely.
Where are you?
How are you?
Hey did you get my last text? (sent 2 minutes ago!)
With the proliferation of cell phones, most of us have dramatically increased our checking on loved ones. This innocent micro-behavior is a symptom of a mega-problem. In fact, it’s the most common problem I treat, the root cause of most worry and stress. The problem is intolerance of uncertainty.
Checking behavior is prompted by a perception of threat. It is often an unconscious perception in the sense that we do not always do any risk assessments about our loved ones well-being before reaching for the phone. The impulse to check and see is triggered by our “limbic brain”, what I call the monkey mind, that governs our emotions. When our loved one is out of sight and we can’t be 100% certain they are happy and safe, the monkey sets off alarms in the form of fight-or-flight emotions. Our brain gets hijacked and we start thinking in “what-ifs”. What if my loved one got in an accident? What if he’s sick? What if she doesn’t love me anymore?
Those thoughts and feelings are eased when we pick up the phone and are confirm they are OK, but this reassurance reinforces the perception of threat, in effect “feeding the monkey”. We end up in a pattern of addiction that distracts us from being present in our own lives. If we want less anxiety about our loved ones we must increase our tolerance of uncertainty by putting our checking behaviors on a diet.
If we were going on a food diet, we would start with monitoring what we’re eating. For a checking diet, we begin by monitoring how often we check on loved ones in the course of at least a day or, better, one week. (You can down load this form or you can keep track on your phone.) Once you have an average of how often you check on loved ones every day, cut this number in half as a target for your diet.
When we begin reducing how often you check, we will notice is that your anxiety will increase. The monkey mind doesn’t like us being uncertain and it doesn’t like being ignored. But like all our feelings, anxiety has a beginning, middle and an end. More important, because it breaks our pattern of checking addiction, this short-term pain will bring long term tolerance of uncertainty.
Reduced checking on loved ones will help us to be more relaxed and present. What greater gift can we give the ones we love?
Feb 1, 2019 | Anxiety
I was on a beautiful walk on a lovely fall afternoon. I felt happy, my senses being fed by the beauty around me, the black birds swooping in and out of the trees, the lush green grass contrasting with the bare brown branches, the smell of the earth, the sound of the wind whipping at the last remaining leaves. I was open, completely surrendered to my surroundings.
Then I reached the parking lot and saw my car trunk was open. I was startled by the sight, it wasn’t right. When I got closer I saw my window on the driver’s side was smashed, glass scattered on the seat and the ground next to the car. Valuables that were in the trunk were gone. My chest tightened. My heart pounded. I felt a sinking feeling. It was as if a dark cloud had come over the scene, and the day seemed dimmer and ominous.
When I got home I spent an hour cleaning up the glass in the car. Then there was calling the glass repair shop, filing a police report and an insurance claim—more to-do’s in my busy life. But the worst part was the new mistrust I felt every time I drove by that parking lot. My beautiful sanctuary did not feel so safe anymore.
When bad things happen, our natural tendency is to constrict and close down. This is a protective impulse triggered by our survival-oriented monkey mind, which is only doing its job of course, keeping us safe. But while safety is our most fundamental value, and we are wise to take reasonable precautions, staying safe is not our only value. For myself, being open to the natural beauty in the world is important. Avoiding that parking lot and the respite that my nature walk provided would be a big price to pay for a small margin of safety.
Bad things happen all the time, every day. They can be little, like being disappointed by someone, spilling your coffee on yourself, or getting caught in traffic and arriving late to an appointment. They can also be big, like suffering an injury or losing a job. When we react to any bad thing that happens to us by constricting, defending and protecting—as we are prone to do— we can’t be open to the beauty and goodness in life, which are what heal and nurture us.
How do we get back to open when we feel closed down? Here are 3 steps:
1. Identify the monkey mindset that would lead to constriction and contrast it with an expansive mindset. Here is mine for this situation.
2. Expose yourself to the triggering situation. For me this meant, instead of avoiding the scene of the break-in, to go there, park my car and go for a walk. The reasonable precaution I took was to not leave anything of value in the car.
3. Welcome the anxiety and discomfort. For me this meant expecting and accepting the anxiety I felt when I parked and walked away from the car. I even took an opening physical stance; instead of crossing my hands in front of my chest and looking back over my shoulder at my car, I opened my arms and breathed into my anxiety. This welcoming negative emotion step is essential. In order to heal from the pain of bad things happening, we must metabolize the emotion.
Whether you are dealing with a little bad thing happening like my car break-in, or a bigger trauma that has closed you down, the way to opening up is the same. In many cases, all three of these steps will need to be repeated numerous times before the nervous system calms down, so don’t give up. When we consistently choose an expansive mindset, expose ourselves to what triggers us, and welcome what we’re feeling, healing happens. In time you’ll be able once again to relax and enjoy the beauty in the world!
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