Oct 31, 2019 | Anxiety, Control, Uncertainty
Uncertainty is inevitable in life. My personal practice, and the one I teach my clients and that I write about in my books, is that the more we can accept uncertainty, the more calm, grounded, and resilient we are. But I could accept uncertainty a little better if things weren’t so up in the air just now!
As wildfires rage in California, many of us have lost power and were evacuated from our homes. What should we pack? How long will we be gone? Where will we go? How long will the power be out? How strong will the winds get and what direction will they blow? Will my house burn down? For some of us this question was, will our house burn down again? So much is at stake, and so much is unknown. How do we cope with uncertainty and the anxiety it causes?
The anxiety we felt when the fire and evacuations began is the sympathetic— flight-fight —branch of our nervous system. It helped me focus when I was evacuating with my dog and my aged mother, packing underwear, warm clothes, medications, flashlights, batteries, water— things that would help us to survive. Thank you monkey mind!
Once we were safely situated, we want our nervous system to switch over to the parasympathetic nervous system, the one that allows us to the rest, relax and digest. Animals are great at this. If a deer sees you, its body tenses, ready to run. But once it recognizes you are not a threat and you walk on by, they go back to grazing moments later as if nothing happened. We humans are not so good at this. Once the imminent threat passes, we start to fret about money lost from the power outage, what to do with rotting food, and when will this happen again? We do, however, have the same ability as the grazing deer, we just need to help activate the parasympathetic nervous system.
We are all familiar with the healthy food pyramid that best supports our physical health. I’ve constructed a mental health pyramid that you may find especially useful in times of heightened uncertainty.
Bottom level 1:
Sleep, and if you are having trouble sleeping, rest. Contact with supportive friends/relatives; relaxation activities like meditation, guided visualizations, being in nature; exercise, which can be just 5 minutes of a brisk walk, gentle stretching, coming home to the body.
Level 2:
Keep to some kind of schedule if possible, getting up and going to bed around the same time. Think about things that you do daily, and see which ones you can still do even when life is topsy-turvy. Try to do at least two pleasant activities each day. This could be reading a book, playing with your pet, or listening to music if you have access to it.
Level 3:
Smile at others. Smiling actually releases endorphins (feel good chemicals we naturally produce) in both the giver and the receiver. Say out loud or write down three things you are grateful for. Be forgiving and gentle with yourself and others.
Level 4:
Checking newsfeeds and social media. We need to know what is happening in the world and with our friends and relatives, but if you are checking your cell phone every few minutes and are not in imminent threat, try to decrease it to once or twice an hour.
Level 5:
Complaining or asking why is this happening. It is natural to want to vent, but too much of it will make us feel worse.
Level 6:
Comfort food; alcohol or other synthetic relaxants;
Whether we are recovering from the threat of regional emergency like a wildfire, or from an illness, a job loss, or other personal stressor, we are always wise to remember what behaviors encourage the rest and digest branch of our nervous system. These self-care behaviors are the foundation for a healthy state of mind and body. They are how we feed ourselves, not the monkey!
Aug 15, 2019 | Anxiety, CBT
“Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind,” with Anxiety Treatment Expert and Author Jennifer Shannon.
an episode of the Mother and More Podcast with Kaitlin Soule, LMFT
A cognitive behavioral therapist who shares real thoughts, tips and tools to help you live and feel better. I share my thoughts and insights from both my clinical and personal perspective on the topic of anxiety, mental health, parenthood, and being imperfectly and courageously human. Listen to the podcast here! Or on Apple Podcasts here!
Mar 1, 2019 | Anxiety, Control
Text me when you plane lands.
Text me to let me know you got home safely.
Where are you?
How are you?
Hey did you get my last text? (sent 2 minutes ago!)
With the proliferation of cell phones, most of us have dramatically increased our checking on loved ones. This innocent micro-behavior is a symptom of a mega-problem. In fact, it’s the most common problem I treat, the root cause of most worry and stress. The problem is intolerance of uncertainty.
Checking behavior is prompted by a perception of threat. It is often an unconscious perception in the sense that we do not always do any risk assessments about our loved ones well-being before reaching for the phone. The impulse to check and see is triggered by our “limbic brain”, what I call the monkey mind, that governs our emotions. When our loved one is out of sight and we can’t be 100% certain they are happy and safe, the monkey sets off alarms in the form of fight-or-flight emotions. Our brain gets hijacked and we start thinking in “what-ifs”. What if my loved one got in an accident? What if he’s sick? What if she doesn’t love me anymore?
Those thoughts and feelings are eased when we pick up the phone and are confirm they are OK, but this reassurance reinforces the perception of threat, in effect “feeding the monkey”. We end up in a pattern of addiction that distracts us from being present in our own lives. If we want less anxiety about our loved ones we must increase our tolerance of uncertainty by putting our checking behaviors on a diet.
If we were going on a food diet, we would start with monitoring what we’re eating. For a checking diet, we begin by monitoring how often we check on loved ones in the course of at least a day or, better, one week. (You can down load this form or you can keep track on your phone.) Once you have an average of how often you check on loved ones every day, cut this number in half as a target for your diet.
When we begin reducing how often you check, we will notice is that your anxiety will increase. The monkey mind doesn’t like us being uncertain and it doesn’t like being ignored. But like all our feelings, anxiety has a beginning, middle and an end. More important, because it breaks our pattern of checking addiction, this short-term pain will bring long term tolerance of uncertainty.
Reduced checking on loved ones will help us to be more relaxed and present. What greater gift can we give the ones we love?
Nov 5, 2018 | Anxiety, Fear, Tribe
A good friend and I planned to bike to a nearby town this morning and go out to breakfast. She is the same friend who took us in after our home burned down a year ago. I will always be grateful for her amazing hospitality, helping us to heal that first month while we recovered from the shock. We’d agreed to meet at my place at 9. At 8:15 I received a text from her that said, “Good morning, “J” is coming with us, he brought his bike, see you soon.”
“J” is her delightful boyfriend. But I did not want to go out to breakfast with her boyfriend too, I just wanted it to be the two of us. My first reaction was anger. My anger felt justified because she just stated he was coming without asking me. But that was not what angered me. I did not want him to come, and I was afraid to say so. I was angry that she was making me state my preference. 
Arggggggh!, I exclaimed. Doug heard me and poked his head in the room, so I told him about the text. “Why not just tell her what you want?” he said. He made it sound so simple. I knew he was right, but I did not want to do it. In that moment being angry and resentful felt more appealing to me. Crazy, huh?
Not crazy, just human. Look at my alternative. If I state my preference, my friend may feel angry and resentful. Maybe she will judge me for being selfish and rude, and ungrateful for all she did for me. My fear of upsetting her triggered one of the core fears I talk about in Don’t Feed The Monkey Mind, the fear of losing connection and belonging, or as I like to call it, getting kicked out of the tribe. According to this part of my brain, it was better to be angry and resentful, because I would not risk my friend’s being disappointed and judging me. If I kept quiet I wouldn’t risk losing my friendship.
But I would lose something, I would lose honesty, authenticity, and the quality of my connection with my friend. If I could not honor these values in myself, then I was not really honoring our friendship.
So, I took a deep breath and texted her back, “My preference is just some time with you.”
A couple of uncomfortable minutes went by, and then my phone chimed. I was scared to look. But when I did, it simply said, “Ok that will work”
I couldn’t be sure from the message how my friend actually felt, but I did feel relieved. She appeared to still want to be my friend. Again, this sounds crazy to type, but of course she would still want to be my friend! But as is always the case, my monkey mind was still on the job, looking for 100% certainty. Thank you monkey!
I originally intended to write this post on the theme of taking care of ourselves around the holidays, but this interaction this morning inspired me. Stating our personal preferences clearly is a great way to take care of ourselves around the holidays, and actually every day of the year. It takes courage, and it does involve risk, but tuning into ourselves and being honest and authentic with our friends and family will ultimately foster the deepest connections. Scary, yes. But worth it!
Recent Comments