This is what my client Andi told me this week. Like so many others, she is very grateful that she will be able to get together with family and friends for the holidays this year. Last year had its own set of stressors, but it had fewer frictions that naturally occur during holiday get-togethers. Whether it’s friends or family, there are always people who rub us the wrong way.
What triggered Andi was when her mother suggested how Andi could do things just a little bit better. These suggestions were particularly distressing when it came to her parenting. Just this week, when her mother was over for dinner and her son was having a meltdown, her mother said, “When you did that, I would put you right in your room!.” At that moment, Andi felt like putting her mom in her room, not her son. Instead, she snapped at her mom, telling her she did not want to hear it. Her mom looked hurt. Andi felt even worse, thinking she was not a good enough mom or daughter.
Andi’s goal for therapy was to be more patient, loving, and compassionate with her mother at Christmas. These are beautiful goals, but they are not realistic. The gap between how we think we should feel and act and how we do, causes more stress, shame, and blame. We cannot just will ourselves not feel triggered by friends and relatives. But we can learn to respond to our triggers differently.
Expect and Accept you will get triggered. It helps to realize that it is normal to get activated. When we expect this to happen, we position ourselves to respond to our triggers differently.
Learn to relax rather than react to your triggers. When we get triggered, our bodies contract, and we tense up. By practicing labeling our feelings and training ourselves to relax our bodies, we become much less reactive.
Rehearse ahead of time. A powerful tool we use in cognitive behavioral therapy is called imaginal exposure. By picturing upsetting situations, we can generate similar feelings and sensations when they are happening in real-time. By practicing relaxation during an imaginal exposure, you are much more likely to remember to use them at your next get-together.
Listen to this imaginal practice at least one time before your next planned gathering. Be patient, loving, and compassionate towards yourself! Becoming less reactive takes time.
One of my personal traits that I’m not particularly proud of is impatience. Yesterday when I went online to the DMV website to find out why I hadn’t received my car registration renewal in the mail, the web form wouldn’t take the information I entered, and I couldn’t find a number to call or make an appointment. This shouldn’t be so difficult. ARGGGGH!
I can become impatient with people I love too. When I sent my husband to the store to get some coconut milk and he brought back coconut cream, I got really annoyed at him. He happily turned around and went back to the store, but I didn’t like waiting. Can’t I trust him to manage a simple task? GRRRRRRRR!
And I can be just as impatient with myself as I can be with the world. When I’m working on a task, I often don’t think I am getting enough done. Even as I am writing this newsletter, I catch myself measuring my progress against an imaginary timeline. I’ve been working on this for an hour, shouldn’t I be done by now? GROAN!
My impatience, like everyone’s impatience, is characterized by the assumption that things SHOULD be going better, smoother, more efficiently, than they are. It’s a standard of performance we expect that is not being met. Judging everything with this perfectionistic mindset, we contract, causing ourselves and others to suffer. We really shouldn’t be so impatient, should we? Sometimes I get so impatient with my impatience!
The antidote to impatience is hardly more judgments and criticism. What we need is compassion, understanding and acceptance. This meditation is specifically designed to help us stay present with our feelings of impatience. When we welcome, rather than resist this painful emotion, transformation happens.
A 30-day cognitive workout to help you cultivate self-acceptance, resilience, and the “mental muscle” needed to thrive in an imperfect world!
Do you hold yourself—and others—to unrealistically high standards? Are you afraid of making mistakes? Do you live for to-do lists and deadlines, and yearn for flawlessness? You aren’t alone. In our competitive, high-pressure world, it’s natural to strive for excellence. But over time, these perfectionistic tendencies can feed the internal anxious “chatter” known as your “monkey mind.” So, how can you quiet the monkey and stop feeling like you need to be perfect all the time?
In this illustrated guide, psychologist and anxiety expert Jennifer Shannon will show you how to break free from the monkey mindset that drives your perfectionism and set realistic goals; unleash creativity, joy, and productivity; and foster self-compassion and compassion for others. Most importantly, you’ll learn how to give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes, leading to a fuller and more meaningful life.
Our monkey minds are hardwired for survival. They depend on the approval of others and the need to fit in and be accepted by the “tribe.” But monkey minds can also get in the way of reaching our full potential. If you’re ready to welcome imperfection and start taking risks, give this workout a try!
“I’m a procrastinator,” Andi said. “I put off exercise, house cleaning, paying bills, everything! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just lazy, I guess.”
I’d seen a lot of procrastinators in my practice, and I’d yet to see one who was genuinely lazy. I had a different guess about Andi.
Going Deep, Uncovering Perfectionism
I began our session by asking Andi to imagine opening her mailbox and seeing a credit card bill. What feeling came up for her? She said it made her feel anxious. I then asked her what thoughts went with this anxiety. She identified thoughts like, I’ve been spending way too much money, and This bill’s probably overdue and I’ll have late charges.
Thoughts like these would seem to act as motivation for Andi to pay the bill before things got worse. But she wasn’t doing that. There had to be some deeper cognition that was stopping her from paying her bills, which were piling up. I asked her, “If it’s true that you’ve accrued late charges and you’ve been spending too much, what would that mean about you?”
She didn’t hesitate to answer. “It would mean I’m STUPID!”
Feeling stupid, less than others, or not up to a task is painfully crippling. If every time Andi sat down to pay bills, she ran the risk of feeling that way, it’s no wonder she put it off.
“I don’t think you’re lazy,” I told her. “I think you’re a perfectionist.”
Andi looked at me like I was crazy. “No way,” she said, “Perfect people get things done!”
Short-Term Gain, Long-Term Pain
Andi’s misconception about perfectionism is a common one. As I’ve learned from my practice and my professional life, the central tenet of perfectionism is to stick with what you’re great at and avoid altogether the tasks that make you anxious. It’s a great short-term strategy. So long as Andi was distracted by social media, cooking, or doing anything that was fun or easy for her, she was not worrying about her bills. But in the long run, Andi’s procrastination was making her feel worse about herself and interfering with solving her budgeting problem. It was clearly a failed strategy.
As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I approach problems like procrastination as more than a behavior problem; it’s a thoughts and feelings problem too. Once my clients connect the dots, they are ready to imagine a new picture for themselves.
Three Strategic Steps
The first strategic change I asked Andi to make was in her thinking. Her present perfectionistic assumption—that overspending and paying bills late meant she was stupid—needed an upgrade to something more realistic. After all, lots of people have difficulty in this area. A non-perfectionistic mindset—or what I call an expansive mindset—is, If I spend too much and have late charges, it means I am human. When we view or shortcomings as part of our fallible human nature, we decrease our sense of shame and are better able to take effective action to address a problem.
The second change of strategy was regarding Andi’s behavior. Every time she tried to sit down to pay her bills, she felt overwhelmed. Rather than expecting herself to settle all her overdue bills in one big session, I suggested she break them down into manageable pieces. When we limit ourselves to a short time frame, after which we will stop even if we haven’t finished, we are way more likely to begin the task. To practice, I had Andi set the timer for ten minutes and start to pay her bills, right in session.
Thinking and behaving in any new way is bound to cause feelings of discomfort, and facing up to her unpaid bills, without getting rid of them was painful for Andi; she felt ashamed. In response, I asked Andi to employ a third strategic change: to pat herself on her back and repeat her expansive mindset out loud. She felt silly, but I reminded her that what is really silly is berating ourselves. When we do something that is hard, we need to be encouraged. With self-compassion, we can get so much more done!
Less Than Perfect, More Productive
Andi wasn’t a lazy person, and she wasn’t stupid either. But like so many other perfectionists, she had fallen into the trap of seeing herself that way. These harsh self-judgments won’t die easily, but with practice, anyone, including you, can beat procrastination with these three strategic steps:
1. Change Your Mindset from perfectionist to expansive
2. Break Tasks Downinto manageable pieces
3. Give Yourself Praise instead of punishment
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This article first appeared on the Blog @ NewHarbinger.com
Two days ago, I was checking my e-mail and one of the subject lines jumped off my screen. Interview Request From NBC News. It was the real deal, Fernando Hurtado, a reporter for NBC was doing a story on the anxiety many people are experiencing when returning to “normal” post lockdown life. My first reaction was excitement. Yes, I thought, I want to do this! But as I began writing a reply, my perfectionism started to take hold. In an interview with this big news organization, I have to appear confident, I have to say all the right things, and I can’t make any mistakes! Now I felt so anxious that I was wasn’t sure that I wanted to do the interview.
True Values Defined
Then I remembered to check in with my values. I asked myself, Why would I want to do this interview? To prove myself? Impress other people? But those didn’t ring true. The motive I had for doing the interview was to share what I know about anxiety, and help people get back to normal, to live life more fully. Knowing my real motivation gave me confidence, and perspective on how to proceed. I spent about an hour outlining my thoughts, and because I also value my own time and mental health, I made a point to stop and not give in to the urge to over prepare.
The next morning was the interview and I felt anxious. My heart was beating fast, my stomach felt nervous. But I knew these feelings were not a sign that something was wrong. They were telling me that I was on the right path, taking a risk and putting myself out there, moving in the direction of my values.
Grading My Effort
After I finished the interview, I slipped into another perfectionist habit, ruminating over what I could have done better. I had just taken a step forward, but instead of feeling pride, I felt embarrassed. But I caught myself and reminded myself that I didn’t over prepare, I spoke my truth, and any mistakes I made just mean I’m human. Yay! I thought, I get an A plus! Then I literally kissed my own hand!
The icing on the cake was that when I finally saw the piece, I knew that people will actually find it helpful. Which makes me feel grateful and proud.
We could all us an extra boost of can-do! Here, experts share easy ways to do hard things and increase your joy, resilience, and well-being. Read more here.
This article first appeared in the May 24, 2021 issue of Women’s World Magazine!
From fearing the future to dealing with a deluge of decisions, life is exhausting these days. Here, easy ways to power up your drained batteries.
Continue reading here.
This article first appeared in the August 17, 2020 issue of Women’s World Magazine.
Getting back into the world can be scary. The other day I went into town to a yarn shop. I was expecting a fairly empty environment, with a few masked people wondering around. So I was surprised to have trouble finding a parking place, and to see lots of people going in and out of stores. Before COVID, and all the lockdowns, this scene wouldn’t have phased me one bit. But my feelings about being in public places had changed. Now, I felt anxious and overwhelmed.
I know I am not alone. As more people get vaccinated and restrictions are lifting, we are faced with decisions about going back to work in person, sending our kids to school, getting together with friends and family. This is good news, but just the same, many of us have gotten used to a slower more isolated existence. Even a positive change like a more dynamic and visible community can make us feel apprehensive.
This is an ideal time to learn skills that will not only help us cope with anxiety, but to thrive in the everyday uncertainty that life presents us with. If this sounds good to you, I recommend you check out this class that my respected colleague, Kaitlin Soule is offering.
From Kaitlin:
In the spirit of being able to help more people, in a time and cost-efficient way (less than half the price of 6 sessions of therapy), I’ve created a 6-week workshop series, grounded in ACT and CBT, to help you do the work of healing your relationship with anxiety so that you can live with less fear and enjoy more freedom.
This class starts May 1st, so don’t wait if you are interested!
When it comes to new year’s resolutions, we often start out with enthusiasm and resolve, only to find it fading within a few short months. One of the reasons for this is we focus too much on the end goal, for example “lose 10 pounds”, “organize our garage”, or “run 5 miles”. When we focus so much on our end goals, we often miss out on two very important things.
The Journey
One of my goals is to scan my photos and organize them into online albums, something that my family will be able to share in the future. However, when I think about doing it, I feel overwhelmed. There are so many photos, this will take hours. When I do manage to get started, I feel impatient with the process and only satisfied if I complete an album.
When I focus on the goal of finished photo albums, I miss out on the journey of looking through the photos, enjoying them, and reflecting on the time they were taken. Without those pleasures, my enthusiasm for the project fades, and I’m running only on grim resolve.
Committing to the goal of your new resolution means committing to the journey as well. If the trip to get where you want to go sounds like a grind, perhaps there is a way to get there that inspires you as well. To help you find that inspiration, ask yourself, what are the personal values that my journey might honor?
Personal Values
In my case, there are several values that might inspire me to be more present for my journey with the photo albums. Fun, creativity, and love come to mind. And when I feel the urge to keep going “just to get it done” I might turn to other values like flexibility, self-care and patience. Practicing my personal values is what keeps me coming back again and again.
To live a life of value, we must allow our values to inform how we live. In the busyness of our lives, it’s easy to lose track of what we value, and this year is a wonderful time to remind ourselves what they are.
Here is a list of core human values. When you think of this next year, what values would you like to live by?
PEACE HONOR TRUST SPONTANEITY FORGIVENESS CONNECTION PLAY FLOW
Pick three to five that you really resonate with. Write them down.
How do these values tie into your goals for 2021?
I would recommend writing your values down somewhere that you can be reminded of them. We so often lose sight of what is truly important to us.
Resolving to live by our values can motivate us to reach or goals, but more importantly, they help us appreciate the journey. It is the journey, not the destination, where most of life takes place.
Last night I called my kids to let them know we would not be visiting them this holiday season. The call broke my heart. All three of them live in Washington State, and we had planned to rent a house up there for a couple of weeks so that we could have some cozy time together, making meals and playing games. The loss of not seeing them made me sad. I was also anxious making the call because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe they would think we were overreacting, or worse yet that we did not care about them enough.
This holiday season, we have hard choices to make between our personal health versus our family and tribal bonds. We need both to survive, but right now you can’t have one without risking the other. Faced with decisions like this, we long for the normal holiday stress of the “good old days” before COVID.
Find your truth
The first step making decisions about family gatherings this year is to check in with ourselves and define our personal desires and boundaries. Who do you feel comfortable seeing if anyone? What restrictions are necessary to allow you to feel safe? …to keep your loved ones safe? Find your own truth with regard to these questions before you enter into any conversation with others. For help identifying your desires or where your boundaries lie, you can use a pros and cons list.
Express your truth
If you have boundaries that will require keeping loved ones at a longer distance, or perhaps not gathering together at all, the fear of disappointing them will arise. I knew I could not control how my kids felt when I told them we were not coming to visit; I could only control how I said it. It is useful to review the three steps to assertive communication. I define assertiveness as speaking my truth as clearly as possible, while being sensitive to the others person’s feelings, without taking responsibility for them. This can be a balancing act. Here are three steps to assertive communication.
Step 1. Start out with empathy and validation. For example, I could begin by saying, “Kids, we were really looking forward to visiting you for the holidays and I know you were looking forward to it as well.”
Step 2. State the problem. For example, “With COVID on the rise, we don’t feel comfortable traveling and possibly increasing our risk of contracting the virus.”
Step 3. Define clearly what you want to do. For example, “We have decided we are not going to come up during the holidays this year. We can plan a special get together once a vaccine is available, or we could plan a shorter visit once COVID in better under control.
The right decision
After reducing the increased risk of contagion, I was left with the risk of my children’s disappointment over our decision. We so often get hung up thinking that the right decision is one where we can eliminate all risk, guarantee a happy ending. But there is no “right” decision between the risk of getting sick and the risk of hurting people’s feelings. Everyone’s situation is unique to them, and the “rightness” of our choice depends on whether we’ve examined ourselves enough to know our truth and found the courage to express it.
For me, the right decision was to speak my truth and keeping an open heart, even though it hurt. This pain is what makes us human. It is what we have in common. And ultimately our capacity to feel it will keep us connected to one another, whether we can see each other this holiday season or not.
Recently, I was invited to join Dr. Josephine McNary on her “Mindstories” podcast where we discussed how to tolerate uncertainty, particularly in this election season. You can download the podcast here.
Or you can watch the Mindstories Podcast on YouTube here.
“If we lose, I just don’t know whether the country can survive,” my client said. “Things are getting too crazy.” I heard those words before. From clients of the opposite party. The upcoming election has become every American’s—Republicans and Democrats, therapists, and clients— worry number one. To many of us, the idea of losing feels like an existential threat, one that is igniting core fears about our health, our safety, our connections with our loved ones and community. We may be donating time and/or money to our campaign of choice, but it doesn’t feel like enough. We’re still getting regular doses of fight-or-flight neurochemicals and hormones urging us to, Do something! Make certain everything will be OK! So, what are we to do?
Like any worry, election uncertainty is best addressed with a clear strategy. Trying to “wing it” while we are hijacked by the monkey mind won’t get us the peace we’re looking for. When working with my clients, and working with myself, I’ve found the following 3 essential strategies to be most effective.
1. Adopt an Expansive Mindset. When faced with an uncertain outcome like the upcoming election, our mind’s tendency is to contract around all the negative outcomes that may happen—the possibility of losing, disputed vote counts, widespread litigation, protests, and social unrest. If we think we can only rest and relax once these negative outcomes are eliminated, we’ll burn ourselves out with ineffectual activity and worry. To counter this tendency, make an intention to allow unresolved possibilities to remain unresolved. For example: Once I’ve done what is within my control, I will accept the uncertainty that remains.
2. Curb the Urge. Notice the ineffectual activity you’re impulsively engaging in trying to gain certainty about the election—and curb it! Constantly checking news feeds for signs that your side is winning, name-calling, trying to convince others that they are wrong, and replaying political talking points repeatedly in your head—all certainty-seeking behaviors—are triggered by our overactive limbic system, and they only feed the cycle of worry and anxiety. When we curb the urge to reassure ourselves instead, we are cultivating a new expansive mindset, demonstrating to ourselves that we can tolerate uncertainty. Which brings us to our last essential strategy.
3. Welcome Negative Emotion. While the emotions that accompany uncertainty may feel unbearable, resisting or distracting ourselves from them bring only temporary relief; they inevitably show up again, banging on our door to be let in. Treat these emotions as you would a guest, welcoming them by name. Hello, Anger. Come on in, Dread! Use your breath to open up space in your body, space for these feelings to play themselves out. Contrary to what you think, fight-or-flight neurochemicals and hormones do metabolize on their own! To help this process along, redirect your thoughts back to your expansive mindset, which accepts everything you can’t directly control, including your own fears.
Note that each of these three strategies is equally essential. They just don’t work well without each other. It’s a tall order, I know— like learning to juggle three balls in the air. And that last ball may sound more like juggling a chainsaw! But the good news is that the skills you will gain practicing these three strategies will help you learn to relax in the middle of this election’s chaos, so you’ll be more likely to take the wise action that is called for. And moving forward into 2021, you’ll find that using these strategies will bring more peace and clarity to the rest of your life as well. There is no uncertainty too big, or too small, for anyone using these 3 essential steps to master.
Click here to listen to a guided meditation that helps us learn to relax in the midst of uncertainty.
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We could all us an extra boost of can-do! Here, experts share easy ways to do hard things and increase your joy, resilience, and well-being. Read more 
“If we lose, I just don’t know whether the country can survive,” my client said. “Things are getting too crazy.” I heard those words before. From clients of the opposite party. The upcoming election has become every American’s—Republicans and Democrats, therapists, and clients— worry number one. To many of us, the idea of losing feels like an existential threat, one that is igniting core fears about our health, our safety, our connections with our loved ones and community. We may be donating time and/or money to our campaign of choice, but it doesn’t feel like enough. We’re still getting regular doses of fight-or-flight neurochemicals and hormones urging us to, Do something! Make certain everything will be OK! So, what are we to do?
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